Monday, January 12, 2009

Zombies In That Cinema Too

Bonjour mon petit ami faible.

Today we bring to you the second part of our box office nightmare, "How To Survive A Zombie Attack Whilst In A Cinema Watching A Movie". In this little segment, we will be covering the recommended escape methods to be employed during a zombie attack whilst in a cinema.

Thus far you have successfully purchased your pre-movie snacks without setting off a zombie invasion; Good Job!

Now the scary thing about a zombie attack in a cinema is that you most probably won't see it coming. Just think about it:

  1. You're in a dark/dimly lit place with your attention focused entirely on something.
  2. Chances are that the cinema you're in has at least one entrance behind your seat.
  3. Jerky or slow movements are common in a cinema as people stumble about in the darkness or try to squeeze past the tub of lard on the way out to the loo.
These are but some of the reasons why a zombie attack in a cinema is extremely deadly. With your situational awareness levels at pretty much negative twenty-three percent, it will be difficult to notice the signs of a zombie attack until it is far too late. For people such as myself who enjoy focusing on a movie just so I can spot a few continuity errors or other screw-ups, this lapse of concentration could be detrimental to my well being.

In this case, the best way of survival is to have some form of early notification in order to preempt a zombie attack. For instance, many zombie invasions usually occur in remote places of the world before striking major population centres and developing into a global pandemic of undeath. Doing your research and taking note of small things such as disappearances in the rural areas or the unexplained deaths of livestock and what not could make a difference between life and death. Having a private circle of informants that update each other over the phone would also be useful (But please remember to set your phones to silent mode during the show!).

If, however, the zombie invasion should be a spontaneous one or the initial outbreak occurs within your locale, then the best bet is to have some handy means of defending oneself until a proper escape can be executed. (e.g. getting to the car park, safehouse, etc.) We here at MB-1 recommend a 9mm pistol, hockey stick, video camera tripod or an Original KFC drumstick; As long as the weapon works for you, use it.

Once an attack is confirmed, you should immediately seek to leave the cinema and search for a more favourable location for the mounting of a defence or to seek out supplies, weapons or a friendly hand. It is a good idea to memorize the basic floor plans of the cineplex or shopping mall that you're currently in. Things to note should be the emergency escape routes (avoid these, they'll be clogged up and eventually turned into death traps.), choke points, access doors, employee exits and other features that would allow for an expeditious exit. During your escape, it is advisable to choose the most open pathway as that gives you the greatest number of options during your hectic flight from the compound.

In our previous installment, we've seen how a single zombie in a large group of people could lead to a huge disaster. Now put that large mass of people in a stairwell with zombies hemming them in from all sides. You get the point.

In conclusion, one can say that going to the movies is an individual responsibility. It is up to the individual to make his or her contingency plans as best suited to one's circumstances and personality. All in all, it is always best to err on the side of caution when weighing up the risks involved in watching movies.

So if you're planning to brave the streets in order to catch Ong Bak 2...

Forget it.

Zombloke II

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Zombies In A Cinema

Неверные приветствиям!

As you all know by now, zombie invasions can occur at any conceivable moment in the space-time continuum. Be it at your teacher's wedding, your cousin's school's talent show, the premiere of Watchmen, the dropping of the first nuclear weapons on India, the uncovering of a T.Rex fossil in the Arctic or even just as you approach the end of a sweet little video of this co-ed and a group of midget Mexicans, have no qualms about it. They WILL get to you.

It is a sad truism that zombies could strike then and there. There are no second chances here ladies and gents, if the shambling masses of the undead catch you with your pants down, it's pretty much game over.

Hence, this week's section will aim to cover zombie evasion techniques in a multitude of situations.

We'll start off with a somewhat more mundane situation. For example, it's the weekend, let's say Saturday evening. You've just finished another week in the rat race, slogging out your liability to the organization, passing bucks and dodging arrows. It's time for a well deserved break. Regimentation and discipline have turned your life into a gigantic routine. One might think that there is nothing to be worried about on the weekends but be warned, letting your guard down during this brief period of rest might ultimately result in your untimely demise.

And thus, you decide to go watch a movie with some mates.

The time now is 1630 hours. You've made good time thus far, arriving about 15 minutes before the movie starts. Your usual group of friends have just started popping up from behind pillars, corridors and badly lit alleyways. Greetings are exchanged and small talk commences. You ate about 3 hours ago and you're feeling a little peckish. Someone suggests buying a corndog. You agree and you find yourself stuck behind a group of other dudes who had the same notion as you but somehow got in line before you did.

At this point, you briefly consider just going straight to the cinemas but BAM! you're hemmed in by other dudes who had the same notion as you but somehow got in line after you did. Having come this far, you decide it'd be worth the wait for the corndog.


In this situation, the huge press of human bodies works against you. Being in the middle of a large mob of unwitting humans is the last place you would want to be at the onset of a zombie invasion. It is a sad but recurring theme in every documented zombie tragedy to date. In order to explain off the sudden disappearance of an entire city's population, scriptwriters tend to cite the "initial panic" and "rush for escape" as the key cause for the annihilation and subsequent zombification of the entire populace.

These claims are justified.

A single infected individual could easily lead to the infection of a large mass of people within a confined space. In a sick and twisted geometric progression, the lone zombie attacks and kills with impunity, easily tipping the population balance in a matter of minutes.

And there you are, caught in a mass of rapidly zombifying flesh.

So, how would one escape a situation like this? The answer: Crowd surf.

Once panic sets in, the general mentality of the herd would be to get as far away from danger as possible with great haste. Hence, it would be typical to find yourself caught in a swell of human activity as people scramble away from the scene.

The tip here is to move with the crowd, all the while angling one's trajectory so that one might be able to eject oneself from the masses. Many an amateur trying to struggle against the flow have found themselves trampled to death by the fleeing populace; or worse, crippled and left to the whims and mercies of the undead.

A parallel to real life would be getting caught in a fast-flowing river. In this case, many survival experts would suggest not fighting against the current but going along with it, constantly trying to manoeuvre oneself closer to the bank.

Doing so is your best shot at escaping death in this scenario. Once you have extricated yourself from danger, do what must be done to ensure that you survive this apocalypse.

This has been surviving a zombie attack whilst queueing for popcorn. Tune in tomorrow for surviving a zombie attack while watching a movie. So long!

Zombloke 2

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A New Year

Hello people.

It has been a long long time since the last time we convened at this location within the webways of the internets.

The staff and members of our esteemed organization would like to wish everybody a Happy New Year and all the best in the days ahead. We have laboured long and hard this past year and in our absence I hope each and every one of you has meditated upon the knowledge that we have passed on.

I say this not because I enjoy proclaiming the end of the world as we know it but because I believe that even the sharpest sword will dull in time without the proper care and diligence of its owner. It has indeed been far too long since the wordsmiths of MB-1 churned out the latest procedures with regards to the impending zombie invasion and I seek to rectify this as soon as possible.

In case you were wondering, which undoubtedly most of you were, the staff of MB-1 have been recently put through a strenuous test of our physical, mental, spiritual and aerodynamical capabilities. Taking up various courses in communications, motorized units, advanced missile systems, field medicine and what not, we have gained a great deal.

For now, we must distill this knowledge before making it available to the public. In the weeks to come we intend to begin the dissemination of these manuscripts and codexes. It is our hope that the insights we seek to impart will aid you, the reader, greatly in the future.

Till then, I urge the reader to once again dig up the skills and know-how of zombie warfare and to re-familiarize oneself with the nature of the threat we face. In order to meet any zombie invasion with any sliver of success, the war effort requires every man, woman and child to remain on their toes, always poised to spring into action at the push of a button, ready to ride out into the setting sun, pitchforks and torches ablaze.

For the zombie menace never rests, and neither can our vigilance in these dark days.

Zombloke 2
Back from the dead
But not as a zombie
I meant it metaphorically

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

What Happened?

Life happened.

Zombloke 2

Friday, December 14, 2007

This is a message from the governing body of all anti-zombie organizations, the AAS.
We regrettably inform you that we have recalled several of our key operatives for a refresher course in HTZ (Human To Zombie) Combat. This course will occur over several months and operatives are thereby restricted from making excess contact with the outside world for the duration of the course.


Now that you've taken a glance at the above 'secret' communique, I'm here to tell your our very convincing (mostly because it's true) cover story.

It appears that most of the staff of MB-1 has been called up for enlistment into National Service (NS). Hence, it is with the deepest sorrow that we inform you of our departure. Lead elements of MB-1 will be enlisting tomorrow (since we're so awesome) and therefore you can expect an abrupt halt to the knowledge that flows from our unified conscience.

Fret not however, for there will be chances for us to deseminate our newfound knowledge to the masses and make no mistake, we shall seize these opportunities by their very balls.

So for now, so long brothers and sisters of Humanity. We shall speak with you soon enough!

For AAS!
Zombloke 2
Pes Z (Zombie Killing Machine Of Doom)
Here Today
Gone Tomorrow

Friday, November 9, 2007

The Annals of Wu Zun #1

Weather: Warm, high of Hot and overnight low of Not-So-Hot

I have started this diary in the hopes of courting that awesomely cute waitress down at the Green Pagoda, where I carry out my weekend job as a bouncer. Chicks dig guys who can write as I am told, something about poetry and what not.

My name is Zhun of the noble House of Wu. I am the 5th eldest son and heir to my father's salt mines down in the province of Shan Dong. A bright future lies before me but I dare not embrace it, for a life as a simple foreman does not appeal to me. You see, I believe I have been called to do greater things, to travel down the Martial River, forever seeking greater knowledge and understanding of the Martial Arts.

My father does not approve. He insists that I should learn Mathematics, how to use an Abacus, how to shift numbers around so the books look balanced and what not. But I do not want to. Addition hurts my mind, my fingers not adept at manipulating little beads on a stick and numbers... also hurt my brain.

I am a warrior, like my great great grandfather. I have spent countless years within the terracotta confines of the great Mo Dai To Academy, honing my skills with the Jin, the Dao, the Gu, the Composite Bow and the Cho Ku No. Like I said, I am a warrior.

I must go now, a bunch of Mongol barbarians are kicking up a fuss over the quality of our rice wine. Fools, they wouldn't know good alcohol if it were shoved up their pee holes. Ah one is walking over towards me now. God, his breath reeks. Ok, he's got out a dagger, why did I not search these guys before letting them in? Oh yea, I was writing this. Ok, gotta run. Later.

Wu Zhun
14th Sun Cycle of the 11th Lunar Month of the Year of the Ox


*Translator Notes: Did not make anything up. Nothing whatsoever.


Zombloke 2
Regrets burning Chinese dictionaries
Is not a member of the Red Guard
Not a Commie

Tuesday, November 6, 2007



Seems like obsession about zombies and how they are probably going to take over the world has hit commercial status.

I'd probably kick ass at this game, but then I'd probably be busy killing demons or something.

If you haven't noticed yet, I am using probably freely and indiscriminately.

Cos, I don't need to calculate the probability of anything anymore!! WOOPEE!!

Zombloke I