This is a message from the governing body of all anti-zombie organizations, the AAS.
We regrettably inform you that we have recalled several of our key operatives for a refresher course in HTZ (Human To Zombie) Combat. This course will occur over several months and operatives are thereby restricted from making excess contact with the outside world for the duration of the course.

--------------

Now that you've taken a glance at the above 'secret' communique, I'm here to tell your our very convincing (mostly because it's true) cover story.

It appears that most of the staff of MB-1 has been called up for enlistment into National Service (NS). Hence, it is with the deepest sorrow that we inform you of our departure. Lead elements of MB-1 will be enlisting tomorrow (since we're so awesome) and therefore you can expect an abrupt halt to the knowledge that flows from our unified conscience.

Fret not however, for there will be chances for us to deseminate our newfound knowledge to the masses and make no mistake, we shall seize these opportunities by their very balls.

So for now, so long brothers and sisters of Humanity. We shall speak with you soon enough!

For AAS!
Zombloke 2
Pes Z (Zombie Killing Machine Of Doom)
Here Today
Gone Tomorrow

The Annals of Wu Zun #1

Weather: Warm, high of Hot and overnight low of Not-So-Hot

I have started this diary in the hopes of courting that awesomely cute waitress down at the Green Pagoda, where I carry out my weekend job as a bouncer. Chicks dig guys who can write as I am told, something about poetry and what not.

My name is Zhun of the noble House of Wu. I am the 5th eldest son and heir to my father's salt mines down in the province of Shan Dong. A bright future lies before me but I dare not embrace it, for a life as a simple foreman does not appeal to me. You see, I believe I have been called to do greater things, to travel down the Martial River, forever seeking greater knowledge and understanding of the Martial Arts.

My father does not approve. He insists that I should learn Mathematics, how to use an Abacus, how to shift numbers around so the books look balanced and what not. But I do not want to. Addition hurts my mind, my fingers not adept at manipulating little beads on a stick and numbers... also hurt my brain.

I am a warrior, like my great great grandfather. I have spent countless years within the terracotta confines of the great Mo Dai To Academy, honing my skills with the Jin, the Dao, the Gu, the Composite Bow and the Cho Ku No. Like I said, I am a warrior.

I must go now, a bunch of Mongol barbarians are kicking up a fuss over the quality of our rice wine. Fools, they wouldn't know good alcohol if it were shoved up their pee holes. Ah one is walking over towards me now. God, his breath reeks. Ok, he's got out a dagger, why did I not search these guys before letting them in? Oh yea, I was writing this. Ok, gotta run. Later.

Wu Zhun
14th Sun Cycle of the 11th Lunar Month of the Year of the Ox

------------------------------------

*Translator Notes: Did not make anything up. Nothing whatsoever.

------------------------------------

Zombloke 2
Regrets burning Chinese dictionaries
Is not a member of the Red Guard
Not a Commie

Zombie MMORPG

)http://www.exanimusthegame.com/

Seems like obsession about zombies and how they are probably going to take over the world has hit commercial status.

I'd probably kick ass at this game, but then I'd probably be busy killing demons or something.

If you haven't noticed yet, I am using probably freely and indiscriminately.

Cos, I don't need to calculate the probability of anything anymore!! WOOPEE!!


Zombloke I

Wu Zhun probably looked like this

actually, nah. he probably looked like this:

The Annals of the Great Warrior Wu Zhun

Amongst the assorted DVDs, old toothbrushes, used bongs, powerful ancient relics and newspapers strewn across the MB-1 storage room floor lies an ancient compendium of knowledge. A powerful tome once thought lost to civilization, only to be ingeniously recovered by the imagination of a single being. It is an ancient log of the world's first Zombie Invasion, a journal filled with trials and tribulations, hopes and fears, women and wine, song and dance, swords and spears, owls and donkeys and yeah, zombies too.

We have worked very hard to repair the age-worn parchment, utilizing the tried and true combination of word processors and boredom, in order to present to our readers the story of one man.

And now, for the first time ever, his life will finally be brought to light after 4 millennia of darkness and desolation.

50% Man, 30% Warrior, 15% Chinese Guy, 4% Anarchist, 1% Bald and 152.67% Muscle.

He is.

Wu Zhun.

This is his story.


First entry will be uploaded after I remember that Retinol is used in the synthesis of Rhodopsin which is the pigment in the rod-cells of the eye which are responsible for black and white vision in dim light.



Zombloke Two
Option A
Option G
11 Days

Diary of a PARANOID MAN VI: *IMPORTANT* I Saw A Zombie Yesterday

T'was around the twenty-first hour when I first saw the foul spawn of hell.

However, where a normal man might quail in fear and die or react with stupid disbelief and die, I did not do either. Instead, instinct and training kicked in. Executing a zero-point turn, I wheeled about and split, making a beeline for the trusty metal pole I always leave lying in an obscure corner.

Grabbing it and feeling the supreme power that only a five-foot metal pole can give, I performed several dexterous twirls with my weapon before sending a crushing overhead strike onto the skull of my zombie foe.

It collapsed and I scrambled forth to investigate. Had the zombie invasion truly begun? Was there still time to save civilization before all was lost? Should I take a ride down to Burger King to eat my last Double Whopper with Cheese before life as I know it ends?

Upon closer inspection, I figured the zombie was about 4 feet, roughly 120 cm. I felt it quite odd and was about to investigate further when I detected sudden movement through my peripheral vision. Jerking my head up, I was astonished to see several more of those evil four foot zombies with pale-looking adults.

OH SNAP! I'M SURROUNDED! Watching as my foes closed in around me, I noted the shocked looks on the 'adult' zombies, they obviously were the first victims of those evil short-statured bastards. Their deaths had to be avenged.

Letting my honed combat skills settle in, I leapt into the fray, crying bloody murder as I smashed downwards, taking one of the small zombies down in an instant, splattering brains all over the sidewalk. Using the back end of my staff, I jabbed backwards, impaling one of the adults through his gut and into his spine. The jarring grind of bone on metal almost caused me to drop my pole but I held fast, determined to make it out of this disaster, or die trying.

At this point the zombies suddenly began to turn and flee. Judging by the speed at which they moved, I quickly concluded that these were physically-enhanced zombies similar to those in Dawn of the Dead. It also appeared to me that they must have detected the scent of weak flesh in the distance and were obviously moving to devour it. This would not do!

Shouting Honour and Glory to the great AAS, I surged after them, lashing out with my staff and knocking two more zombies to the ground. A quick stab through the skull finished them off as I continued my chase.

In a matter of five minutes it was over. The zombies were defeated, lying dead and broken all over the blood-stained street. I walked over to one of the four-foot zombies lying on the ground, his neck dangling at an awkward angle. Bending down, I stared into the cold dead eyes of my enemy. Noting some discolouration with his skin, I rubbed at the blemish, only to pull away tacky face-paint...

Oops.



Zombloke II
Lying low for the next few days
Has plans to skip town
Happy Halloween!!

The Point of Salvation

Some here at MB-1 feel that my post today is quite out of place for several reasons. One, it is an uncharacteristically happy post, which I don't find odd at all. Two, such news should only be revealed if and when a zombie invasion occurs as a form of moral booster. Bollocks, I say, it's best to educate the masses about potential 'free zones' before the zombies arrive so we can at least attempt a getaway!

This theory stems from several zombie flicks, most notable of which would be either Land of the Dead by Herr Romero or the Milla Jovovich show, a.k.a. Resident Evil. In both movies, several characters attempt to travel to Alaska upon hearing rumours that the Zombie Invasion has yet to spread to said location. The point here I guess is that due to the fact that Alaska is a freezing hellhole, something about it impairs or prevents the zombies or the zombie spreading virus from encroaching on their lands.

Let's first examine some possible factors and determine which one is the most plausible.

1) The treacherous terrain of Alaska impedes the progress of Zombies. The terrain of Alaska is largely permafrost. Usually it provides a solid enough surface to traverse across but due to global warming much of that once passable terrain is now a boggy mush pretty much all year round.

Hence, thanks to the blessing that is the greenhouse effect, Alaska is well fortified by the wetlands that surround it which could impede wandering zombies.

However, this physical barrier is hardly enough to hold back a zombie spreading virus, a la 28 days later, or zombie vermin/carrion/animals that could possibly circumnavigate the treacherous swamps. Furthermore, there is still plenty of good solid ground where zombies could cross thereby unleashing their reign of terror on the populace.

Probability Meter: 15%


2) Alaska boasts 34000 miles of tidal shoreline due to it having many islands. Islands are relatively safe havens in a zombie invasion. If spruced up and made self-sustaining, it's basically your paradise where you can hide away while the world collapses upon itself.

With some basic necessities such as fuel, food, agricultural implements and so on, one could conceivably create an island fort. Of course, do thoroughly scour the island for zombies and do make sure you have enough space to sustain yourself and the other people you've managed to liberate from the perils of the mainland.

The chances of zombies actually getting to your island is pretty low once you've established yourself. Unless they're the type straight out of Land of the Dead, then I figure they're probably not intelligent enough to realize they don't need to breathe and thus decide to take a stroll down to your little island fort. Lucky for you, they may or may not get pulverized by the pressure of the deep sea but if they don't, well, many sleepless nights abound then.

Probability Meter: 45%


3) The Natives. It is unknown to many, myself included, but it has been said that the Inuits were once great warriors who battled fiercely against the undead legions of long ago. Whilst there is no historical data supporting such a cataclysmic event occurring in the past, legend has it that the Inuits waged a bloody and terrible war across the raging waters of the Arctic Seas, fighting tooth and nail to save humanity from the zombie menace.

Following the defeat of the zombie hordes, the Inuits retreated to a safe haven near the roof of the world, swearing to preserve their warrior spirit and to once again rise up and defend the world should such a disaster present itself. They might not have 52 words for 'Snow' but they have definitely have 52 words for balls in my book.

If this is true, then perhaps it is wise to seek refuge in the frigid lands of the Inuit. However, it's most like bull.

Probability Meter: 0.0001% (Although it would be shit awesome if it did happen.)


4) The Cold. Ah, the mighty powers wielded by Old Man Winter are a force to be reckoned with indeed. The sub-zero temperatures of Alaska are more than capable of stopping both men and machine alike in their tracks. But how will it fare against the legions of Undeath? Let's find out!

Zombies are basically reanimated corpses and are therefore physically human. Hence, it can be inferred that their bodies suffer the same punishment from the elements that we do. The weather of the Alaskan Tundra is extremely harsh even during the best of times. Frostbite and other frost related ailments are often suffered by the uninitiated members of the populace. Although zombies do not suffer from hypothermia, they might lose an arm or a leg attempting the treacherous hike North.

Hence it is possible for the chill of winter to literally freeze a horde of zombies in their tracks. Most zombies are usually clad in little more than the clothes their former selves died in, attire that is utterly unfit for arctic travels. So, yes, the chill of winter is a plausible method of deterring a zombie invasion into Alaska.

What about viruses or other forms of airborne pathogens? Well, it is likely that the cold could inhibit the propagation of the virus and may even kill it outright. It certainly is a heartening thought.

Probability Factor: 82% (Coincidentally, it achieves a Grade 7.)

Since the climate ultimately affects the sustainability of Alaska in a zombie invasion, one can draw several links to other states much closer to home. Siberia for instance, or perhaps the Northernmost fjords of Norway, or Greenland. As long as its freezing all year round, it should be safe from the zombie menace. However, establishing a compound that can sustain you for quite some time is going to be difficult and it is currently being researched by our MB-1 team during their free time. (Hah.)

Of course, people might also say that the whole allusion to Alaska was Hollywood's attempt at acknowledging the adopted kid in the family, but hey, they probably voted that they would commit suicide in the face of a zombie invasion so who needs them eh?

That's all for now.
Coming to you live from MB-1, this is Derrick Wolfgang Peterson II saying bah-bye.


Zombloke II
2nd
15th
Party Hard

Other sources of interest

http://www.cracked.com/article_15643_5-scientific-reasons-zombie-apocalypse-could-actually-happen.html
(Linked by Kentay. Zomg Biblio guys!)
Interesting article.


End.

A Reluctant Change Of Perspective

Hello again. Yes it's still Zombloke II bringing you another wholesome update in preparing for the imminent zombie invasion.

Today I'll be revising my previous stance on mugging. No, I still refuse to believe that it does not cause zombification but then again, 500 tests on starving children have yet to prove me right. Fret not, my zeal is not quenched and if I have to process all of Singapore's youth than by the gods I shall.

Anyway, in accordance with MB-1 policy regarding 'a lack of things to write about', I shall now attempt to draft a new set of tips to help you would-be-zombi--, I mean students wholly devoted to the excellence of your end-year results.

Ok, as mentioned before the most likely place you could be studying in would be a room. A nice quant four-walled enclave in which you can mercilessly pour over pages and pages of text. If you're studying in the open, well, a whole different set of rules apply.

First off! Tips and tricks on how to stay alive in a zombie invasion while studying in an enclosed area.

#1) Always study facing the door. Most needless zombie deaths could usually be avoided as long as the character takes some simple precautions. Some examples would be turning on the lights, not walking backwards down a hall and not blindly hiding in a space without checking whether said location was safe.

In this case, to avoid a needless death to the maws of a zombie, one should probably face the door. It's a simple concept. By facing the door you have at least a slight visual awareness of the singular point of entry into the room. By identifying the trespasser early, such as a parent, friend or mindless flesh-eating freak, you can adjust your reaction between annoyance, terror and frenzied aggression.

If for some reason or another you are partially blind and unable to see a door open, I recommend a simple alarm mechanism. These could range from chains dangling on the handle to a baby alarm monitor to a 220lb Rottweiler. It's really up to you.

#2) Have a plan of escape. Chances are, despite how many zombies you kill, more will come. They might not come one after another but don't fret they'll turn up either today or tomorrow or the day after that or the next year, you get my drift. Hence, you most likely want to get to somewhere safe. The safe haven of your choice is up to you but here are some of my personal favourites:

-The armory of your nearest army camp

-Turf City (That place is a fortress I tell you.)

-Somewhere underground, like MB-1

-Hell (Which is Tiong Bahru, a nice place filled with potential meat shields and tall buildings which can serve as temporary shelters.)

But before that, one should probably focus on getting out of the room first. In this scenario, one has three possible options. This is commonly known as the Fight Flight or Fright response.

First, Fight. In this case, one may or may not casually toss one's life aside in an attempt to break free of the entrapment. This is effective if you are properly armed and the opposition is not too numerous.

Second, Flight. Basically, it means you panzy out. Finding an escape route can be easy if you pick the proper place to study. Since most of us will not be studying in a room with nothing but 4 white walls and a door, we can leave out the certain death scenario. Instead, one should try to utilize various furnishings in the room such as windows, side doors, ventilation shafts and what not in order to escape effectively.

Third, Fright. This basically means good game for you. Being petrified and torn to shreds is rather painful, especially if you have to watch a zombie eat your colon right in front of you. While some might find this experience surreal and strangely fascinating, most normal individuals would rather not die. Hence, the Fright syndrome is not recommended. For tips on removing fear from the system, take 5 minutes to travel down the Internet's Pantheon of Badass Heroes.

#3) Have something on hand to defend yourself with. Hypothetically speaking, there may be an incident where you are locked in an epic life or death struggle with one of the undead. Whilst that should not happen as long as you maintain constant vigilance, shit happens and therefore one must also familiarize oneself with potential weapons in such cases. (Get cracking on that spear.)

- Highlighters. Disregard these, they're useless.
- Pens. Slightly more useful for jabbing through the eye socket and into the cranium.
- Weird mathematical equipment. I'm sure they hurt in the worst ways.
- The Chair you're sitting on. Good for flattening zombies with, use it liberally if there's enough space to wield one.
- Textbooks. If they're big and heavy chances are they pack a punch, utilize these freely.
- GDC. It might cost 75 bucks but that's 75 dollars worth of hard plastic and metal that can be used to cave in a zombie's brain.
- Subject notes. See Highlighters.

Of course there might be a myriad of other items available to you depending on the environment one is studying in. In my case, I would carry a paraffin lamp into my room. Firstly, it provides light to study with and secondly, in the event of a zombie attack, ill shatter the lamp and incinerate my humble abode. The fire-hazard I call a room will more than likely kill if not hold back many foes while I scramble off the roof-tops to sweet freedom.

#4) Communication. Never ever study in a room with poor reception. You want to be able to at least receive messages via the telephone-communication network or over the radio. This will give you the heads-up and the opportunity to avoid meeting a grizzly end. Keep in mind the entertainment value the radio provides also helps keep one sane in the wee hours of the morning trying to decipher what one wrote on that tiny scrap of A4 paper a year ago.

#5) Keep people nearby. Note that I specifically did not use the word friend since most would find it unethical for one to toss a friend into the blood embrace of a horde of zombies.

Having people around helps boost one's morale knowing that one is not suffering alone. Unless said company is busy enjoying a movie or reading a nice happy storybook, then one should not feel remorse about using said company as a meat shield.

Having knowledgeable company is also useful for studying. Like, duh.


This is all I have to update you guys on for now.
Till next time!


Zombloke II
Options G and H suckers
Stalwart Defender of the Golden Way
Mohican

Diary of a PARANOID MAN V

Greetings.

This second successive post will be about more light-hearted matters.

Sometimes, communication over the internet makes it difficult to believe that some people aren't really actually zombies, or so my experiences recently have shown me.

Example 1

10:05:21 PM M : hat do we hacve rto study for organicv cherm
10:05:42 PM Y: WTF DID YOU JUST SAY

Example 2

9:48:44 PM MEELSA : hahahahahaha
9:49:01 PM MEELSA : oh mannn
9:49:10 PM MEELSA : we should like
9:49:15 PM MEELSA : get him to press his hands into a block of wet cemen
9:49:17 PM MEELSA : cement*
9:49:21 PM MEELSA : dear god. what an awful typo.

Example 3
(So far, i have felt a certain need to censor the names of people involved, but not for this one.)

Clorets Junkie says:
sweety
Clorets Junkie says:
sweet*
Clorets Junkie says:
wtf

Yes. Bloke called me 'sweety'. Sometimes i wonder if the knowledge of the inevitability of zombie invasions weigh down upon his mind too heavily.

End.

Diary of a PARANOID MAN IV

Greetings.

Intermittent electricity in our underground base has resulted in inconsistent posting.

Recently, our A.I, zombie sense (A.K.A sixth sense for detecting zombies or Zomsense) has been tingling.

Unfortunately, Zomsense isn't always very accurate, and warning signals are sent when there is a multitude of people whose minds are focused on just one thing. (For zombies, that would be human flesh)

I recieved such a huge input today that it reached "Critical Zombie Invasion" Level.

Something this massive should have turned up on the news...

Suspecting a government conspiracy, i did some investigative work.

"Exam schedules
External examinations for candidates for the IB diploma are given twice a year, in May and in November."

Ah. right.

Hordes of IB students around the world have only one things on their mind: IBDP Exams.

Good luck.

Monster Truck Rallies and the like

It is assumed that most of the devoted readers of this instructional manual have/will at some point in their lives master the arts of operating an automobile. Which is good.

Being able to drive is a valuable skill in a zombie invasion for numerous reasons.

1) The most obvious: TO TEAR LIKE HECK DOWN THE EXPRESSWAY. Whether it's for the purposes of escaping or enjoying a phenomenal rush of speed not often experienced on the roads of our lovely island, being able to shuttle to and fro at great speeds helps you get out of sticky zombie situations.

For instance, in Dawn of the Dead, that cute white chick speeds away from her recently zombified husband in a white car thing. If a jalopy could outrun even the physically enhanced zombies of Dawn of the Dead, any automobile would make for a good escape mechanism.


2) Transport. Driving around beats walking any day. Especially so on rainy days and even more so when blood-thirsty undead prowl the streets. An automobile will provide swift and efficient transport to your desired location with minimal hassle. However, be warned! That V-8 of yours might just attract more than the envious stares of your neighbours!

Another thing to note is that the movement bonus that your automobile affords you will most likely dwindle over time. As our population density increases, so does the amount of traffic along our roads. This basically becomes a hazard if you're trying to escape down, say, Orchard Road at 7pm on a Friday Night. In this case, your best bet is to probably leg it and fast. Remember, since these fools deigned to obstruct your escape route, you should have no qualms about using them as meat shields. Or an elevated walkway of sorts.

Improvise! (This however, does not apply if you happen to be driving either a monster truck or a tank or the Dooms Day Machine driven by the patriarch of a certain Yugoslavian Royal Line.)


3) Storage. Remember those huge vans from Wagensfraut Stuttgart back in the 1950s? Of course you don't. I made it up. Anyway, the third bonus of having an automobile is the ability to keep stuff inside, be it food, soap, magazines, a short-wave radio, a pair of katanas or whatever. The standard run-o-the-mill 4 seater should be able to keep enough canned supplies for about a week and enough gas to run for a few days before you need to resupply.

An alternative would be purchasing an RV. The benefits would be the additional company, support and of course a decent shower and a toilet. However, the upkeep one of these babies would need is rather steep considering you're about to enter a post-apocalyptic world of zombies.


4) Offense! Okay, this is more or less what I really wanted to talk about. So you've watched a few medieval war movies, or read a few books or wikis about medieval combat. Now remember those wicked chariots running down men, slicing their legs off at the knees, peppering with them with arrows from the archers riding said chariot. Yea, me neither. They were given way too little screen time. (Please watch Gladiator to get what I mean. Of course, stop the DVD/VCD/VCR before Russell Crowe lays down the law, cause that defeats the purpose.)

So yeah, cars pretty much function the same way. Install some wicked spikes on your hubcaps, or perhaps a large blunt object and rampage through those zombie hordes! The bonus here is that by crippling them, the less likely they are to catch up with you. Which is a good thing.

Also, you can possibly blare really really really loud death metal or any other variant of metal, or even bubble-gum pop, which really takes the edge of the fact that life as you knew it has just ended. For mood music, see Rob Zombie.

In addition, monster trucks + tanks = pew pew.

In conclusion, driving is useful, cars are useful and monster trucks are useful-er. So if you happen to be driving a monster truck during a zombie invasion, do swing by my place to pick me up.

K?



Zombloke II

Still Derrick Wolfgang Peterson II
Currently studying something regarding Jews
Autistic

Diary of a PARANOID MAN III

Greetings.

In every zombie invasion there comes the need for heroes. These heroes can easily be any common person, as my experience last week proved. Tim Seow the chairman, common high school student, is to be exalted as a hero, and I now here have an epic poem composed for him.

Chairman Seow (Written in blank verse)
In the distant lands of ACS (I)
There exists a cruel, bestial being
Rend! Murder! His reign of blood and terror
For four years the tyrant ruled and slaughtered
The peoples cried for a hero to save
Them from the Man Bist Darren Chew Wei Sheng
But none dared to free the land from this scourge
One day the prayers were answered and he came
Clad in shining breastplate, greaves, sword and shield
O! What a wonderful sight to behold
He took the stand, steely gaze upon them
Proclaiming, with a flourish of trumpets,
"My name", he said, with a booming baritone
"Is Timothy Seow, your chairman-leader,
I will lead you to slay the bist, have faith!"
With that the .16 army gathered
With Tim Seow at the helm of the peoples
To face the man bist Darren in his lair.
As the army approached the den of evil
The unwitting Bist, feasting upon flesh
At ease in his undisputed kingdom
Was soon to be displaced, by the Chairman
The army fell upon the Bist, hacking
Encouraged by their superior numbers
But the Bist was not to be undone now
Summoning ungodly strength, the Bist fought
Men were killed by the score, I saw Ethan
Dragged down from his saddle, torn into shreds
The movement faltered, Alas! all was lost!
But Chairman Tim Seow came into the fray
Moving, sword swinging, voice booming, GLORIOUS!
But the magnitude of the Man Bist's strength
Gargantuan, not to be comprehended
He swung his claw, and Chairman Seow was slain
WOE! WOE TO THE DEATH OF CHAIRMAN TIM SEOW
Beloved leader struck down where he stood
From his sacrifice rose anger and thirst
For revenge, blood-debt paid by Bistblood
A resounding cry rose and the spirit
To fight was stirred up in the men, "FOR SEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
As one we stood and took the ManBist down
Screaming its hatred it could do nothing
Against the Spirit of the Chairman Seow
And so it was that the ManBist was slain
Not by the strength of the ACSian knighthood
But by the valiant sacrifice of Seow
Nothing on Earth lasts forever and ever
But the name of Seow will live on evermore
Our magnificent chairman Tim Seow

Zombloke I

Still In Disbelief That This Has Never Been Brought Up

In a special edition update to a previous post on people-you'd-most-likely-want-by-your-side-in-a-Zombie-Invasion, I, Derrick Wolfgang Peterson II, present the ultimate fighting buddy in a Zombie Invasion.

Her name? Alice.

Yes, the psychic, knife wielding, Ukrainian super model is without a doubt the one person you'd want on your side and watching your back in a zombie invasion. Packing five hydrogen bombs worth of explosive force in her icy-cold stare alone, Milla Jovovich is no stranger to the art of zombie slaughter.

With new-found zombie killing Tassadar-esque psionic abilities, the power in her lithe frame is without a doubt the most valuable asset ever!

Just try to stay on her good side. Her opponents often find themselves addled with horrible mutations and cheesier wits.

Enjoy!

Training Video!

Homemade Anti-Zombie Weapons

It goes without saying that many many ordinary household things can cause you bodily harm. Penknives, bookends, scissors, cleavers and the like can all be transformed from ordinary tools into moderately effective weapons. And trust me, you definitely do not need McGuyver-ish techniques in order to convert your dull transparent pencil case into a weapon of mass (relative molecular) destruction.

There are many guides to such devices found on the glorious network of deep sea fibre optics that we call the internet thus it behooves me to post links to some of them.

First off, from AskMen.com,
http://www.askmen.com/fashion/how_to_300/346_how_to.html

*Some useful tips here but alas it is too general and most of which will not work on zombies at all since the main goal of the guide is to stun and incapacitate enemies that feel pain and therefore react to said pain. Zombies do not. They're dead. Ipso Facto.

Another one is Ask Dr. Pecos (google this, the amount of information is staggering), one of our primary sources of information asides from the wealth of experience and resources the zombloke team possesses in their individual craniums.

*I personally share the notion with Dr. Pecos that flamethrowers are pretty much an awesome weapon. Any simple chemical aerosol can be converted into a nasty flamethrower.

**This weapon is even effective against other living enemies, see Snakes On A Plane where Sam L. J. incinerates several venomous snakes. Noting the effectiveness of the weapon on snakes and considering the similarities between snakes and zombies, the power of this weapon can not and must not be underestimated.

Still many of the more popular weapons are sadly unavailable on our sunny zombie-infested island. What do we do then? Well, by Jove, we improvise! One of the most famed Chinese military weapons was the Jin, something similar to the Western Halberd. It had a slicing edge and a stabbing point. Whilst it is impossible to replicate this to a large extent, it can be mimicked and such a powerful weapon can come in handy.

First, grab a bamboo pole. You know the ones you hang your laundry with? Make sure its nice and solid, not those cheap ones you get from the shady corner store down the road. Also, ensure its not too long. Remember, you aren't going to be getting top notch oak or mahogany here. Hence, to minimize the chance of your weapon shattering, opt for a pole thats approximately two metres long or so. The best would of course be you finding a bo staff or quarterstaff. Any shaft thats hard and not phallic would be awesome.

Secondly, you need some blades. The type of which is up to you. Cleavers, hunting knifes, etc are a good start. Using raffia string you can attach these blades to your pole. Remember to fasten them tightly and if you better means of attaching these blades then use them. The more secure your blades, the more effective the weapon becomes. I primarily recommend using your weapon as a stabbing weapon instead of a slashing weapon as slashing may cause structural damage to the weapons wooden support.

*note: Try not to use metal since metal poles are usually hollow and made of Aluminum which is easily bent out of shape.

Once you've completed your spear/halberd/jin/guandao, feel free to decimate several zombies to test it out. Note that many, if not all of the components can be obtained from your local D.I.Y. stores. Ergo, it would be a good idea to invest in creating these weapons now! They might not be used against zombies but they'd make a crazy cool weapon against potential threats.

There are many more household weapons waiting to be created and it only takes but a spark of creativity to conceptualize and realize your household weapon. So what are you waiting for? Get cracking. We don't have the luxury of time.

Signed,
Zombloke Two

Grand Inquisitor
Spanish Conquistador
Witch Hunter

Ah They Feast!

"We're safe for now." said Charlie as he peeked out the tinted windows of the MegaToys store, turning to face his recently acquired 'comrades'. There were two others trapped with him within the linoleum confines of the shop; Ted, a sallow, raven-haired man from the infamous Homeboyz clan and Simon, a giant man, playing quarterback for the local Monroeville Maulers football team. The three indeed made for a bizarre party, but nothing as bizarre as the situation these men found themselves in.

For prowling around right outside their little hideaway in the deserted atrium of the Monroeville Mall were four lumbering cadavers; Zombies, brought back to life by an alien plague.

Charlie stepped away from the plexi-glass planes, casting a worried look at the makeshift barricade holding the door shut. It had been hastily cobbled together using the cashier's counter and several large toy bins; it would easily come to pieces in a large enough attack, if it came. Charlie shuddered at the thought of the grizzly demise that awaited the survivors should the zombies breach the perimeter. It would be best to have a contingency plan... a sacrifice. He glanced around again, none of the men said a word, merely sitting in the darkness, thinking, scheming.

The sudden violent sounds of flesh on wood shook them out of their reverie. Three pairs of eyes shot up towards the door, fearfully watching as it rattled on its hinges, the ad-hoc barrier barring the door vibrating violently as it began slipping back, the eerie screech of metal on tile shooting through their minds like nails on a blackboard. Charlie hopped up, crouched, ready to spring at any moment. His companions followed suit, ready to fight, or run.

But nothing happened. A few seconds later, deathly silence returned to the cold, dark store.

For a while they stood still, breathing sighs of relief as the deathly groans of the zombies echoed off into the distance. Scrambling forward, they quickly reinforced their fortifications, throwing more and more objects into the path of the door. Still, there was no way it was going to hold.

"Well, I don't know bout you two but I'm bailing. The shit has hit the fan chums, I'm out." Simon grunted as he slid the window of the shop open, tumbling out into the corridors. The two looked on, a maelstrom of thoughts churning in their minds. Simon had left, miraculously slipping through the tiny window, which could only mean one thing. With two of them left, they were as good as dead. Charlie cast a glance at Ted. The man seemed unfazed, walking forward to close the window that Simon had left open in his hasty flight.

Well, he's certainly calm. Charlie receded further back into the store, seeking comfort in the darkness of the shop's rear. It was useless really, the shop was largely empty, most of the contents which lined its interior were stacked up against the rickety door. Charlie held his breath, the zombies' attempts at breaking in came at regular intervals, when they had mustered their numbers and the blood lust reached its peak.

He did not wait long. Again the terrible moans picked up in intensity and frequency as the zombie hordes threw themselves tirelessly at the door, their combined weight finally succeeding in overcoming their defenses. The door swung open with a loud smash, its hinges creaking dangerously as it launched the bins, desk and all across the room. Standing in the door frame was a humanoid silhouette, its head slightly askew, an arm bent funny. It stumbled forth, drawing ragged breaths. No, it was no longer breathing. It was dead.

Charlie froze in place as the zombies began lumbering through the door, awkwardly negotiating across the hardware strewn all over the floor. He remembered Ted, Where was that fellow? Charlie knew it was time, he knew he could easily out-muscle the lankier man. He would buy Charlie some time to escape, or try to.

Charlie kept backing up, retreating from the incoming zombies. There wasn't much of the store left to back into. Suddenly, he felt the cool steel of a muzzle at the back of his neck. Charlie froze, aghast; his plan was not going to work. As long as Ted was armed, he knew he stood no chance. The zombies would feast on him, dead or alive, their only want was the raw flesh of Man.

"Terribly sorry mate. But it's a dog-eat-dog world and this Homeboy'z not gonna die here. Now be a dear and stop that zombie horde for me will ya?" A tinge of malice coated Ted's voice. Charlie swore he could feel the man's smirk burn into the back of his head. His body went numb. Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea there was no way out. Charlie cursed under his breath. It was a piteous way to die, especially at the maws of the very denizens of hell. Still, there was nothing he could do.

Charlie barely registered the zombies closing in around him, their canines piercing skin, jaws closing around his body. They hungrily bit down, drawing blood and ripping flesh. Charlie screamed at the pain, he screamed at the injustice, he screamed till his throat was ruptured by the ever-hungry jowl of a zombie.

Watching from the darkest safest corner of the store, it was hard for Ted not to feel sorry for the man. After all, they had been hiding together since the zombies first stormed the mall. Still, survival was in the betrayal. He had read that in a fortune cookie somewhere or something. He grinned evilly, tucking the toy pistol into the back of his jeans. They sure make them realistic these days He thought, marveling at the stroke of luck of finding it in the bargain bin when they first set-up their barricade. It would be undoubtedly be useful. Ted watched the zombies disperse, the freshly mangled corpse of Charlie lay on the linoleum floor, a pool of red seeping forth from the carcass. Ted stifled a barf, pushing the corpse out with a stick.

He closed the door and replaced the barricade.

________________________________________________

As you've all realized by now we at MB-1 have acquired a realistic zombie invasion simulator. This is but one of the sad sordid fates that were played out as we plunged various men women and children into the nightmarish scenarios that we strive endlessly to prevent.

It is our hope that through this simulator we will be better able to protect and preserve human lives.

Failing which, we'll just have a shit load of fun waiting for the end of the world!

Happy Trails,
Zombloke II

Potpourri Purveyor
Disciple of the fearless Jaans
Republican

Barricades

Hello once again.

It has been quite some time since a post has surfaced, except for Zombloke III's manic post. He is slowly losing his mind to the dredges of time and space, and we are trying our best to save his body to use for menial slave labour. A mindless zombloke slave, how positively advantageous!

Anyway, we have more important things to talk about. The best defence is a good offense, they say, but I beg to differ. As mentioned before, a barricade is of utmost importance in holding a location, and most simple barricades are enough to keep the mindless ones out. For an example, locked glass doors of a mall would be enough to keep zombies out (curse automation and the day it was born). Let us look at several means of forming a barricade.

1) Nails and planks of wood.

Ah, the most common form of barricade. The big problem is that zombies tend to be able to break through these barricades most of the time. The power of muscle and sinew prevails, the age of steel and wood is long gone. Using massive amounts of manpower (or zombiepower), one can accomplish almost anything! (I refer you to China as a rising economic superpower)

Usefulness of this barricade: 2.32 / 10

2) Locked Glass Doors

The classic barricade when you are stuck in a mall. Most types of glass are strong enough to withstand the beating of fists. Typical compressed glass has an Ultimate Strength (U.S, maximum amount of stress a material can withstand) of 50 MPa, which, compared to Wood, which only has an U.S of 40 MPa, is much stronger. The big problem is that there are no means to deliver rest to the zombies laying siege to the location, because you cannot shoot or stab through glass doors without compromising its tensile strength.

Usefulness of this barricade: 6.13 / 10

3) Modded Truck, reinforced with steel and weaponry

Ah, the best defence is a good offence. Maybe I was wrong after all. This is not the typical static barricade, but it may prove itself more useful. Why? One, it allows you movement, and gives everyone a sense of direction (like, "Okay, im going to drive my friends and I to help"). As the days melt into weeks, and the weeks into months, the lack of direction could prove more dangerous than the zombies. Suddenly, wielding that fire-axe and rushing out into a mob of zombies in gung-ho fashion looks very inviting.... Two, steel is a strong material, and, in comparison to wood and glass, has an U.S of 400 - 1860 MPa. Three, the gaps in the reinforcements allow the occupants to unleash death in the form of chain saws, shot guns, grenades or even spears. The problem with this is that you can't store many supplies due to lack of space. So, the end-point of travelling in these trucks have to be clear.

Usefulness of this barricade: 7.96 / 10

This post will only cover these 3 barricades. There are many other forms of barricades, and I urge everyone to think of their own forms of barricades, but keep in mind the strength of the materials used, the ability to use weaponry through the barricade, as well as the feasibility of the barricade (e.g, if you are at home, don't even think of the truck, unless you happen to be a certain Yugoslavian I know, who keeps monster trucks around to play with).

LOL

LOL

Signed,
Zombloke III

^^^^ Deleting for stupidity. Zombloke III has not been the same since his return from the altar boy whorehouses of the Gobi Desert.

On-topic Once Again. Household Weapons

Greetings from the zombloke team.


Apologies are sent out for the recent spate of random posts, including, exams, Zombloke II's passionate post on mugging, and Zombloke III's passionate post on purging.


We are now back on-topic with the idea of dealing with and preparing for zombie invasions.


This post covers the use of a household item as an extremely effective weapon against zombies, especially the ones that tend to sneak up on you and engage in close combat.

"The undead can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain."

-Newscaster from Shaun of the Dead

Yes, removing the head or destroying the brain. Common knowledge, and this has to be put to good use.

Thus, anything sufficiently heavy, or sharp enough, to create an indent on the human cranium, one of the toughest bones in the body, will be good enough. This post covers the use of the dumbbell.

This is a picture of an average dumbbell. In the right hands, it can turn into a flurry of destruction.

Firstly, the average dumbbell is heavy enough to put a strain on the person who regularly uses it, but not too heavy such that that it limits the movement of that person.

Secondly, the combination of two factors, namely, the weight of the dumbbell, and the useful dangerous-looking screws sticking out for the purpose of adding more weights, create an awesome weapon. An overhead swing, making use of the potential energy that is enhanced by its weight, could easily turn someone, or somezombie's head into mush.

At the Zombloke HQ, we carried out several tests of which I will display no pictures due to the nature of this destructive weapon. The force of the blow was calculated to be an average of 4,441 pounds.

Conclusively, the dumbbell is a useful converted weapon that should be salvaged during a zombie invasion.

Signed,

Zombloke

Prevention is better than cure

Guten tag. This is Zombloke III, returned from my 16 month long undeclared hiatus. You may be wondering where I have been all this time, remaining in obscurity while my comrades slog away at preparations for the impending Zombie Invasion of Doom. I should have you worry not, for I have merely been under self-imposed exile in the Gobi Desert, in accordance with my policy of remaining uninvolved and reaping all the benefits brought about by the actions of my associates.

Life has been harsh these past months due to the hostile conditions I have to contend with daily. Food, water and shelter are hard to come by, and the inevitable scuffles with Bactrian camels that inhabit the area drain much of my needed energy. However, I feel that this is good preparation for when the Day finally comes, and I recommend such ventures to any who are not willing to have their brains consumed.

Much of my day (22.4 hours) is spent in meditation as I strive to attain higher levels of self-awareness. It helps to augment my mental tenacity, and as such I have managed to scrape out a reasonable living in the dunes. I would have remained in that cycle of life, had I not been struck with a notion during one of my meditation sessions. It is of paramount importance that you now perk up your ears and hear what I have to say.

I am sure that you have at one point in your life heard the idiom: "Prevention is better than cure". Well, I am happy to say that it has never been more relevant than at this crucial point in time. Allow me to explain myself; understand that a zombie is the body of a dead person given the semblance of life, but mute and will-less. Look at this more closely: the body of a dead person. What is the source of all our zombie troubles? People. As the world population grows, so do our chances of survival wane. As such, I propose that we take the initiative and cull the masses in order to destroy the possibility of being overrun by an endless horde of the undead.

While this may seem like an overtly harsh measure, I assure you that there are plenty of opportunities to do so without feeling any remorse whatsoever. It can be done in three easy steps:

1. Scour the dregs of society and gather as many misfits, scumbags, politicians or assholes in general who contribute nothing at all to the progress of humanity, and may even seek to reverse the process.
2. ???*
3. Profit! i.e. Not having your flesh feasted upon by shambling corpses.

* Though the methods you may choose to utilize remain fairly open to your imagination, it is important that you exercise caution and discretion in your endeavors. That is, before you rush out of your house brandishing a huge steak knife to plunge into the face of a random scumbag, remember that when the plague hits, he still has the capabilities to rip your head off. Of course, there would be no hard feelings as he is already dead, but it wouldn't stop him from stripping flesh from bone in order to sate his hunger. Your methods should thus focus on completely incapacitating the person so that even in undeath, he would be unable to rise. Beheading immediately comes to mind, but I encourage you to expand your thought horizons. A few suggestions:

- A gigantic vat of concentrated sulphuric acid
- An enormous industrial meat grinder
- An incinerator of mammoth proportions

Bear in mind that these solutions are not all-encompassing, and that you are always free to devise your own extermination methods. Therefore, just use your imagination, allow your creative juices to flow freely, and always remember the words of Josef Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili: "If there is a person, there is a problem; no person, no problem". Have fun!

Signed,
Zombloke the Third

A slightly differing point of view

As the voice of interwebs in general I must disagree for the sake of disagreeing.

Mugging for the exams is a cleverly laid trap by those that would wish to see us mauled, slaughtered, eaten, shat on, pissed on, dissected, trisected, bisected, quintisected and generally fucked up by a murderous ravenous horde of zombies.

Why?

Think back with me everyone, think back to every single zombie movie you've ever watched. Chances are it had a kid or a teenager in there. Chances are, that kid or teenager was the first zombie seen. Remember Dawn of the Dead anyone?

Now try to keep up with me. What do kids and teens have in common that adults don't have? Well it's obvious ain't it, school. And with school comes the dreaded examinations or "BECOME A ZOMBIE 101" as it is aptly named in Herbert C. Meyer's book entitled "A World in Peril". Movie directors constantly emphasize this subtly in the hopes that we, the general public, will understand their message. And we here at MB-1 pride ourselves on picking up on the obvious, i mean subtle... yeah.

So anyway, how are exams correlated with the emergence of a zombie army? Well, one word, two syllables, mugging or with reference to the individual committing said unspeakable act, the mugger. The term Mugger carries with it a stigma, they're the people who robbed your Grandma last Tuesday for Pete's sake. But the problem lies not in the muggers engaging in some form of physical activity, the problem lies in those muggers sitting in their 4 by 4 rooms, busy pouring over volumes of textbooks with only a rotting cheese sandwich to survive on.

This starts the slow transformation from student to zombie. At first their muscles are kept strong by the constant page flipping but as time goes by that exercise is simply inefficient. The body wastes away from the inside out. Even now the mugger is already doomed but yet he does not realize it and persists.

The second stage comes with the slow retardation of the organs. As its flesh melts away into nothingness so does its internal organs. The kidneys, liver, heart,small intestine, islets of Langerhans and so on all melt into the soupy mass of guck sitting somewhere in their pelvises. Even then they are oblivious, so absorbed in their wanton studying that they do not realize that they are doomed for all eternity.

The last thing to go is the brain. As the heart shuts down, unable to keep up the constant systole and diastole that maintains blood circulation, the brain, in a desperate search for oxygen and nutrients, turns on itself. Using some bizzare force of nature unexplainable by Science at this time, the brain through secret deals with Satan creates several enzymes and minerals that can be used to aid its academic intent.

We've isolated these proteins from a mugger (ahem.) and by careful analysis and illegal animal testing have discerned that these proteins cause Zombiefication in the nth degree where n cannot equal 0 or anything ending with a st, nd, rd. But I digress. Zombiefication is caused by mugging and we would do well to bear that in mind. We simply must do so because to do otherwise could result in a scenario that could haunt us for the rest of our lives, all 5 or so seconds of it.

Imagine this:

10th September. Monday. You stroll into school for the first English Al paper of the prelims. Your mind focused solely on the task ahead you barely register being at morning assembly. All there is in your head is Auditorium 2 and Mr. Dumortier's voice in your head going "5 minutes reading time". Repeatedly.

So you hurry into the audi with all your friends. Well wishes are exchanged and you settle down in your seat. You glance around. Teachers and latecomers are busy shuffling around the hall, people exchanging not-so-hushed whispers along the aisles, people resting their heads on their desks.

Wait a minute you think to yourself. Resting? At this time? No. Perhaps they're saying a prayer or two. Oblivious you return to staring at your cover page. Maybe you'd make a doodle or two there when you get the chance. TOO BAD YOU WON'T.

For unbeknownst to you those students weren't saying their prayers! They were muggers undergoing the final and last transition into becoming a zombie. When the brain is no longer capable of sustaining any higher function and dies. But the proteins remain, activating the core human instinct. Food. Brainsssssssss.

The body is long dead, wasted away from hours spent locked up in a dark room with fireflies for light and a quill for a pen. It is far too late now.

As the deathly moans start echoing around you. You look around with a slight smirk on your face, trying to find out who that jackass was. That expression is frozen there as you watch, petrified, as students turn on each other, ripping flesh from bone and larynx from throat. You barely register the canines of your best mate snapping your spine.

The world goes black.


A cheerful broadcast,
Zombloke 2

Exams

What the hell is the point of exams when the world is about to get screwed over by a zombie invasion?

Will knowing the Human Development Index help?
No, everybody's probably going to be dead.
Dead Human Development Index - 0 across the board.

What about knowing calculus?
Calculate the number of zombies swarming around your secured area?

What about Chemistry?
Nitroglycerine (i think, gotta confirm with Zombloke II, HL chem freak on a leash) helps with making bombs...

What about the history of the Vietnam war?
the 4 quicks of guerilla warfare, probably could help...
and setting up booby traps..

Wait a minute... exams are pretty useful!

What the hell are YOU waiting for. Get working!

Study hard, if not for good grades and the chance to get into a good university, then for the incoming zombie invasion! Intellect is the best advantage we have over these zombies!

Signed,
Zombloke

Mugging for all humanity.

WMDS ALOL

This is Zombloke II here, still writing to you from behind 20 inches of solid stainless steel. Many of you might be wondering why Zombloke has not been posting for so long. Understand that no internal strife is taking place within MB-1 right now. That is just stupid and counter-productive to our efforts in tackling an impending zombie invasion.

Zombloke is merely on assignment in Transylvania. He will return sometime soon and hopefully with some cigars and booze. (we're kinda running short down here, donations are plzthx)

Anyway. The Red Moon has passed and no zombie invasions have occurred. See? Told you so. Yet, we must not let our guard down. We have received credible intelligence that the Red Moon was caused by an overzealous gremlin and an ungodly amount of red crepe paper. This could well have been a covert operation to trick us into inaction and sluggishness. This must not happen. We must remain eternally vigilant in our fight lest we find ourselves trapped in our own bathrooms with the only weapons to defend ourselves being a toothbrush and the sight of our naked bodies.

Coincidentally, that brings me to today's topic for discussion. Weapons. What to use in the event of a Zombie Invasion.

Well, weapons by definition are an extension of Man's fist, his primary killing tool. From acclaimed documentaries such as Fight Science, 10 Most Deadly Chinese Weapons and Enter the Ninja, we here at MB-1 have shortlisted criteria that a good weapon MUST have.

1) Range. Yes. It's obvious. We want to kill zombies but stay as far away from them as possible so as to avoid those nasty cuts and bites. Of course some weapons do this better than others like a M16 versus a pen knife for instance.

2) Synergy with User + User's teammates. Well, Zombie Survival is no laughing matter. (You certainly won't be laughing once you've had your jaw RIPPED RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE BITCH.) Weapons that you employ must allow you to work effectively with your teammates to increase your rate of survival. For instance, you probably won't want to stand behind all your friends and fire a flamethrower over their heads at a mass of zombies now would you? Of course, various tactics can be employed to enhance teamwork but that will be covered in later updates.

3) Oomph! Factor. Killing large amounts of zombies with no end in sight is going to get horribly demoralizing. Furthermore, as you (unfortunately) lose more and more comrades, your morale is gonna really take a huge hit. Therefore, it is advised to stock up on weapons with an Oomph! Factor. This means carrying a weapon around that can seriously tear shit up. Blowing up a zombie into a million nasty rotting fragments or throwing a molotov into a sea of the undead can be strangely liberating. Do this to keep morale up. Of course bear in mind that you shou;dn't kill off half your team with that grenade.

4) Ammunition. Ah the bane of the real world. Unlike in computer games you aren't going to get a nifty ammo cheat. So conserve your ammunition and make every shot count or you're going to find yourself dead, and fast, with no bullet to commit suicide with. Alternatively, you could get your hands on a weapon that doesn't need ammunition. These weapons are largely melee-style and will often require you to get a bit too close for comfort with the zombie masses. In this case, grab some arm guards and some armour as a precautionary measure. Nevertheless, these weapons still have a lot of Oomph! in them (imagine a katana fucking slicing a zombie in fucking halve).

5) Practicality. Ideally your weapon should have more than one usage. In times of a zombie invasion you won't exactly have the time to lug around different tools for different situations. Hence, it's best to get a weapon that can serve multiple purposes. For example, a crowbar can be used not only as a weapon, but as a tool for opening shit up, ranging from locked doors to cans of beef stew. However, if you're toting a kick ass firearm (and maybe a swiss army knife) then you can ignore this bit.


This is all I have for you right now. But I'll be back later with some classic weapon schematics and run-downs on what you should choose in the event of a zombie invasion!

Signed,
Zombloke 2
Ph.D House of the Dead 1,2,3
Purveyor of assorted weaponry
Bought a tonne of baked beans

Security Breach

This is Zombloke 2 here, aka Derrick Wolfgang Peterson the Second aka Ricky "garbage day" Jackson. It appears that an unauthorized transmission was fed into our broadcast wavelengths. Let me assure you that this is pure bullshit. There has been a security breach but that breach occurred in our network system and it is the only reason that message got out.

We seek to assure you that nothing is amiss here. The Red Moon will pass on by harmlessly. It is merely the result of justifiable cosmic phenomenon. It will have no bearing on our businesses nor our lives. It is advised that the public merely treat this event as a spectacular show of the heavens and not overreact.

In the meantime, we will use this lull to further our extensive ZombieWatch programme in order to prepare us for the worst. Which won't happen today. Promise.

Signed,
Zombloke 2
The Real Sleem Shadee
The Real Zombloke 2
Not a super-intelligent alien being scheming to take over the world using cadavers

The Red Moon

*Static* This is Derrick here. *awkward staticky pause (now represented by n number of dots)* lying to you..... Zombloke 2 is not me............... there has.... breach......... life in peril...... made contact 2 weeks ago...... previous report filed but.............. obliterated........ censorship..... the Red Moon...... it is their emissary..... clarion call....... will...... be heard. The... MB-1 Complex... is..... under attack...... within.... Must.. purge......OH GOD.......NOOOO.........FUC... YOU MOTHER......... NOO.........................OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*disemboweling noises*

A Recommended Accommodation

Good Evening, Zombloke the motherfucking Second here. We here at MB-1 have located a suitable housing unit in the event of a zombie invasion. It is presented below:



This is probably one of the more ideal hideaways in Singapore. Why? Simple.
1) It's a provision shop.
2) It has roughly 2 entrances one in front and one in the back.
3) It has a second story vantage point which can serve as a useful crow's nest.
4) The housing unit on top most likely has a loo and perhaps even a kitchen which can be used to cook food.

The provision unit at the bottom of this establishment caters for both food and water. Furthermore, the bottles of alcohol and other assorted chemical and household appliances on sale can be converted into useful weapons such as molotov cocktails, home-made pipe bombs or even a good ol' scotch on the rocks. Never underestimate the usefulness of your local provision store. It's named as such for a reason and that's to ensure your survival during a zombie invasion.

Secondly, the presence of a housing unit on top of the store ensures that you'll have full access to sanitary facilities and perhaps a kitchenette. Again the gas cylinders could be useful in the event of an escape or an overly dramatized last stand.

The vantage points from the second floor and above also proves useful for spotting potential threats/survivors.

The fact that there are only two entrances means that it will be easy to lock down and secure the premises.

However, that can be a double-edged sword. With only two entrances you stand a strong chance of being surrounded and should a breach ever occur, then you're pretty much as screwed as a prostidude at a Thai strip club. Hence it is advised that you come up with a contingency plan as soon as possible. Having a large RV or a hum vee in the back scores bonus points.

This brings me to the end of this snippet on Possible Hideouts Should A Zombie Invasion Occur In The Near Future Which Is Highly Likely If You Think About It And Consider The Signs Heralding Its Occurance In The Next Decade Or So. Feel free to utilize and manipulate this guide to your advantage because after all, we're here to keep you alive.

To you, From me.
Zombloke II
Radioactive Mutant Llama Committee Chairman
Resident President of the Institute of Mental Health
Global Citizen

Diary of a PARANOID MAN II

Greetings.

This is the 2nd entry of Diary of a PARANOID MAN. Today, I was in Starbucks when I noticed something pretty otherworldly, and perhaps signalling at the coming of a zombie invasion (where zombloke II deals with astral signs, I deal with human signs).

What the hell was that? No real human being would be THAT stoned. I decided to wait for a bit.

30 minutes later...

he opened his eyes. oh dear gawd. HE OPENED HIS EYES. HAS HE ENTERED THE EMBRACE OF UNDEATH, READY TO DEVOUR HUMAN FLESH? Reaching for my handgun (yes I always keep one handy!), I was ready to make him eat hot lead.

But then...

Breathing a sigh of relief, I put my handgun away.

The Day has not yet come.

Signed,

Zombloke

Internal Conflict

As a follow up from Zombloke II's post and my post from before, let us imagine a scenario.

Lets say, you have found some companions.

And you are holed up in a fortress comparable to Alcatraz, with large supplies of food, drink, weaponry and well guarded escape routes.

You use your radio to call in some help.

Unfortunately, its gonna take between 2-3 months for the army to come, and you're settled in for the long wait.


What do you not do?
Internal conflict.

Never, ever, ever, EVER come into conflict with your companions. Its simply not worth it, everyone dies at the end.

Hasn't anyone noticed that the salient feature of most zombie movies is internal conflict? And this conflict is most often lethal - In 28 days later, the army wants to keep the female protagonists as breeders (forcibly) and they later die. In dawn of the dead, the security guards keep the rescuees imprisoned to prevent them from stealing shit. At the end, they all die.

Even if the conflict does not precipitate into a deadly situation, for an example, in a scuffle, you accidentally blow open one of the sealed entrances, it would definitely at least precipitate into a situation whereby badblood inteferes with circumstances which require teamwork.

Thus, application of F-R-I-E-N-D-S is necessary.

Food (carbohydrates makes people happier)
Romance (oh my!)
Idiotic behaviour (a big no-no)
Ediotic behaviour (is bad too)
No arguments
Decode all differences
Suck on an ice-cream cone to make yourself not angry

Everyone should be FRIENDS!

signed,
Zombloke

Potential Zombie Threats

This is ZomblokeII or Zombloke2.0 or The Zombloke formerly known as Derrick Wolfgang Peterson II. Turns out that we here in subterranean bunker MB-1 require super duper secret passcodes to access the coffee machines and the cafeteria so I'd best start referring to myself in code.

The most pressing issue right here and right now is detection of a potential outbreak. As mentioned by Zombloke, zombies usually appear out of nowhere, with little to no discernible cause. Therefore, it is of paramount importance that we identify 'threat' zones and act quickly either to minimize the threat level or to cordon off the area in question.

As some may have noticed today, a circular rainbow appeared around the sun. This was the direct result of our advanced cosmic satellites utilizing the full extent of the energy spectrum in attempt to designate and identify these 'threat' zones. So far, we have established at least 42123 potential sites that our agents out in the field are working to classify and contain.

For now, it is best that we alert the public on dealing with Zombies. This article aims to address what one should do in terms of finding accommodation should zombies strike.

Firstly, it is important that you get to a position as far away from the zombies as possible. By this I don't mean run to the hills but instead work towards finding higher ground. Apartment buildings and shopping centres are ideal for this. One, they provide a vantage point allowing you to spot potential incoming threats or survivors. Two, they have at least one sealed access way which if you're lucky enough remains sealed and can be used as an escape route. Furthermore, the amount of resources found your average apartment block or shopping centre can be used for many different things. Amongst these, the most crucial are as construction materials to erect barricades, food and water for sustenance, and potential weapons which can be used in self-defence. The presence of a radio or television set is also crucial as it allows one to maintain a link with the outside world, allowing you to receive or transmit signals to other survivor colonies and/or rescue efforts

Once you have found suitable lodgings, it is advised that you immediately access it as you would a Single Party State. A good place to set up base would be anywhere with the following
(in order of importance):

1) A nifty escape route.
2) A cache of materials which can be used to form defensive barriers should zombies get in. Conversely, if one is able to seal off all possible entrances and/or maintain a close watch on all of them, this would be the most ideal situation.
3) A supply of food and drink. This could be a provision store, a supermarket, 5 fridges filled with nachos and gatorade, etc.
4) A weapons store: knives, guns, wooden ladels, hockey sticks, morning stars, etc.
5) A radio. If you don't have one with you, get one and fast. You will need it for communication and information purposes. This is VERY IMPORTANT.

Once you have assessed your situation, start foraging for materials to put a barrier between you and the zombies. Lock your doors, board up the windows, set the booby traps, whatever it is, do this quickly. If you have partners with you it is imperative that you work together. Divide the labour to ensure maximum efficiency. Check your current position for any supplies that can be used to satisfy the above two criterion for a suitable base camp. If you lack any of the above, it is advised that you grab any weapons lying around and look for a safer residence.
(See Traveling guide for more details.)

If by some fortunate stroke of luck you have found an ideal camp, don't get too comfy. Zombies are notorious for sneakily slipping past defences in a mass horde so never let your guard down. Keep a close eye on your entrances and never ever forget your escape plan. It could mean the difference between life and undeath. Also, it would be prudent for you to start planning for a more permanent settlement (those twinky bars won't last forever.) In these situations, one should probably attempt to make contact with other survivors or any rescue efforts being conducted. There is strength in numbers (or a whole lot of meat shields, whatever.) and there is even more strength behind the 50 tonne husk of M1 Abrams Tank so keep a lookout for any of the living as their presence could prove beneficial.
(See Escape, ZombiePolitik, Getting the Big Guns for more details.)

This guide will be updated in the next few hours with more helpful tips as our expert team of zombie survival coordinators work to collate new and fresh information.

Signed,
ZomblokeII
Master of the Elements
Copper, Uranium, Nickel and Thallium

Preferable companions in time of zombie invasions

Ever watch a zombie movie where the protagonist is all alone?

I highly doubt it. (Except the upcoming I am Legend, starring Will Smith, but even he has a dog)

Undoubtedly, your companion(s) will be extremely important during a zombie invasion or a zombie siege. You're gonna need someone to pass the time with, watch your back, and blow off your head if you get bitten.

Preferable companions:

If you can't find any of the above, any average joe will do. As long as he can run, shoot, dodge, bash, loot, scavenge, salvage, stab, joke, laugh and play intellectual games.

Start finding some friends that you can hole up with during the zombie invasion before its too late.

Signed,

Zombloke

Definition of 'Zombie'

How do you define the term 'zombie'? A zombie is known as one who...

1) Will never know the true chill of death, but will never know the fiery passion of life again

2) An undead being who hungers for MAN FLESH

3) A sickly, shambling entity that has rotting flesh stripping off his body

4) A being who knows only one word: "AUUHHHHHHHHHHH"

However you define it, you will know a zombie when you see one.

Above is a specimen of a 'fresh' zombie, one who has not yet reached the 3rd or 4th stage of decomposition. Zombies are usually in various forms of decay, especially if the Virus theory is applied. For an example...

Above is a specimen of an extreme case - the zombie has no flesh whatsoever.






All zombies should be targetted, and destroyed.


Signed,

Zombloke

Diary of a PARANOID MAN

Greetings.


In addition to providing information towards protecting yourself and being able to resist a zombie invasion, I will also chronicle daily events that may hint at traces of a zombie invasion. This is done in the hopes that my personal experiences will educate people in the way they should view their surroundings in order to stay vigilant.

Today, as I entered class, I noticed several disturbing features.

I thought to myself - "what in the world is going on? surely these people can't be so tired as to sleep in class?" In my heart (and my mind) I knew that there was surely something wrong.

Upon close perusal of one of the 'sleepers', I realized that this man wasn't too dead after all, he was just tired (look at that damn essay! A stallion would be exhausted).

And so, brushing my brow, I breathed a sigh of relief.

The Day has not yet come.

Signed,

Zombloke

Possible causes of Zombie Attacks

What the farg causes humans to turn into slobbering and brainless ZOMBIES that hunger for brains?

Over the years, studies involving the causes of zombie invasions have formulated a few theories.

The "VIRUS" Theory

George A. Rom. is a staunch believer of this theory. Basically, a virus is loosed upon the world; resulting in all the dead coming to life. As long as you die, you become a zombie. This is rather bleak.

Did you know that...

1) 39892642 people die a second?

What the farg are we gonna do with more and more dead people running around on the streets? Also, the birth rate will go down tremendously because people are less likely to have intercourse with zombies battering on their barricades with their fists. Less and less people will be alive to fight the zombies, and sooner or later, the world will be overtaken.

The "I-bit-you-and-now-you're-screwed" Theory




Basically, this theory states that as long as you do not get bitten, you remain as a human. Thus, the nature of this theory is highly suggestive of the entire zombie invasion stemming from a single "Host" that spreads the entire zombie plague through the biting and infecting of others. While this theory is less bleak as dead bodies do not turn into zombies, its still pretty screwy, especially when someone you know gets bitten and is in the process of being transmogrified into a zombie.



Many sub theories have stemmed from these 2 main theories. Most zombie movies have left the trigger to the event unknown, making it purposefully vague with intent to intrigue.



While both situations precipitate into a take-over of the world (by zombies), it is still possible to fight off a zombie invasion if we stay prepared and vigilant.



On that note, I am signing off.



Huzzah,
Zombloke

The Zombies Are The Coming

Good day to you my fellow netizens. My name is Derrick Wolfgang Peterson II and I stand here today to bring you chilling news; Zombies. Are. Coming.

Yes, what first began as the childish notions of dead people coming back to life has evolved into something more sinister; more perverse. This menace is ever present and it draws upon us as we speak, as we breathe, even as we toss and turn in our beds. Yes my brothers and sisters the writing is clearly on the wall, the grapevine is loaded with nothing more than the news of our impending Armageddon. The dead will walk the Earth. The dead will rise from their fitful slumber.

We have been warned countless times but will we take heed of these messages in our final hours of tranquility?

In recent years, the human population has been skyrocketing. With more people, unfortunately, come more deaths. In fact with the amount of dead piling up at the very doorstep of Hell right now, the very words uttered by that black guy in Dawn of the Dead 2 becomes so much more poignant to us now. When there's no more room in Hell, the Dead shall walk the Earth. By no means are we to take this warning lightly for that choice leads us towards the swift highway to our demise or god forbid, our unholy ressurection.

As such, we must begin mounting our defences. There is much to be accomplished and we must not tarry if we are to weather this flood of rotting guts bile and grime. The living shall prevail over whatever Hell spews forth from its diseased loins. Already governments are implementing safety precautions in the homes of the average citizen. Machetes, Pickaxes, Toothpicks, Blow torches, Monkey Wrenches, Blow-up dolls are all part-and-parcel of the average home and in the event of a zombie invasion, they could mean the difference between life and dying as a virgin.

In order to contribute to the war effort against the denizens of your local cemetary. The Council of Undead Fighting Uber Warriors of Holy Baby Infant Jebus (TCUFUWHBIJ) has created this manual found conveniently on this Online Journal Website to educate the layman on things to do should the zombies come. Here you will find detailed escape plans, combat strategies, tips, tricks, leet uber haxes should we be faced with a zombie invasion in the next decade.

Peace to you my brethren.
May AAS protect us all.

Derrick Wolfgang Peterson II
B.Hons Necrology
B.Hons Archeology
B.Hons Banging your Mom

Huzzah,

Zombloke II