Monday, September 24, 2007

Ah They Feast!

"We're safe for now." said Charlie as he peeked out the tinted windows of the MegaToys store, turning to face his recently acquired 'comrades'. There were two others trapped with him within the linoleum confines of the shop; Ted, a sallow, raven-haired man from the infamous Homeboyz clan and Simon, a giant man, playing quarterback for the local Monroeville Maulers football team. The three indeed made for a bizarre party, but nothing as bizarre as the situation these men found themselves in.

For prowling around right outside their little hideaway in the deserted atrium of the Monroeville Mall were four lumbering cadavers; Zombies, brought back to life by an alien plague.

Charlie stepped away from the plexi-glass planes, casting a worried look at the makeshift barricade holding the door shut. It had been hastily cobbled together using the cashier's counter and several large toy bins; it would easily come to pieces in a large enough attack, if it came. Charlie shuddered at the thought of the grizzly demise that awaited the survivors should the zombies breach the perimeter. It would be best to have a contingency plan... a sacrifice. He glanced around again, none of the men said a word, merely sitting in the darkness, thinking, scheming.

The sudden violent sounds of flesh on wood shook them out of their reverie. Three pairs of eyes shot up towards the door, fearfully watching as it rattled on its hinges, the ad-hoc barrier barring the door vibrating violently as it began slipping back, the eerie screech of metal on tile shooting through their minds like nails on a blackboard. Charlie hopped up, crouched, ready to spring at any moment. His companions followed suit, ready to fight, or run.

But nothing happened. A few seconds later, deathly silence returned to the cold, dark store.

For a while they stood still, breathing sighs of relief as the deathly groans of the zombies echoed off into the distance. Scrambling forward, they quickly reinforced their fortifications, throwing more and more objects into the path of the door. Still, there was no way it was going to hold.

"Well, I don't know bout you two but I'm bailing. The shit has hit the fan chums, I'm out." Simon grunted as he slid the window of the shop open, tumbling out into the corridors. The two looked on, a maelstrom of thoughts churning in their minds. Simon had left, miraculously slipping through the tiny window, which could only mean one thing. With two of them left, they were as good as dead. Charlie cast a glance at Ted. The man seemed unfazed, walking forward to close the window that Simon had left open in his hasty flight.

Well, he's certainly calm. Charlie receded further back into the store, seeking comfort in the darkness of the shop's rear. It was useless really, the shop was largely empty, most of the contents which lined its interior were stacked up against the rickety door. Charlie held his breath, the zombies' attempts at breaking in came at regular intervals, when they had mustered their numbers and the blood lust reached its peak.

He did not wait long. Again the terrible moans picked up in intensity and frequency as the zombie hordes threw themselves tirelessly at the door, their combined weight finally succeeding in overcoming their defenses. The door swung open with a loud smash, its hinges creaking dangerously as it launched the bins, desk and all across the room. Standing in the door frame was a humanoid silhouette, its head slightly askew, an arm bent funny. It stumbled forth, drawing ragged breaths. No, it was no longer breathing. It was dead.

Charlie froze in place as the zombies began lumbering through the door, awkwardly negotiating across the hardware strewn all over the floor. He remembered Ted, Where was that fellow? Charlie knew it was time, he knew he could easily out-muscle the lankier man. He would buy Charlie some time to escape, or try to.

Charlie kept backing up, retreating from the incoming zombies. There wasn't much of the store left to back into. Suddenly, he felt the cool steel of a muzzle at the back of his neck. Charlie froze, aghast; his plan was not going to work. As long as Ted was armed, he knew he stood no chance. The zombies would feast on him, dead or alive, their only want was the raw flesh of Man.

"Terribly sorry mate. But it's a dog-eat-dog world and this Homeboy'z not gonna die here. Now be a dear and stop that zombie horde for me will ya?" A tinge of malice coated Ted's voice. Charlie swore he could feel the man's smirk burn into the back of his head. His body went numb. Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea there was no way out. Charlie cursed under his breath. It was a piteous way to die, especially at the maws of the very denizens of hell. Still, there was nothing he could do.

Charlie barely registered the zombies closing in around him, their canines piercing skin, jaws closing around his body. They hungrily bit down, drawing blood and ripping flesh. Charlie screamed at the pain, he screamed at the injustice, he screamed till his throat was ruptured by the ever-hungry jowl of a zombie.

Watching from the darkest safest corner of the store, it was hard for Ted not to feel sorry for the man. After all, they had been hiding together since the zombies first stormed the mall. Still, survival was in the betrayal. He had read that in a fortune cookie somewhere or something. He grinned evilly, tucking the toy pistol into the back of his jeans. They sure make them realistic these days He thought, marveling at the stroke of luck of finding it in the bargain bin when they first set-up their barricade. It would be undoubtedly be useful. Ted watched the zombies disperse, the freshly mangled corpse of Charlie lay on the linoleum floor, a pool of red seeping forth from the carcass. Ted stifled a barf, pushing the corpse out with a stick.

He closed the door and replaced the barricade.

________________________________________________

As you've all realized by now we at MB-1 have acquired a realistic zombie invasion simulator. This is but one of the sad sordid fates that were played out as we plunged various men women and children into the nightmarish scenarios that we strive endlessly to prevent.

It is our hope that through this simulator we will be better able to protect and preserve human lives.

Failing which, we'll just have a shit load of fun waiting for the end of the world!

Happy Trails,
Zombloke II

Potpourri Purveyor
Disciple of the fearless Jaans
Republican

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Barricades

Hello once again.

It has been quite some time since a post has surfaced, except for Zombloke III's manic post. He is slowly losing his mind to the dredges of time and space, and we are trying our best to save his body to use for menial slave labour. A mindless zombloke slave, how positively advantageous!

Anyway, we have more important things to talk about. The best defence is a good offense, they say, but I beg to differ. As mentioned before, a barricade is of utmost importance in holding a location, and most simple barricades are enough to keep the mindless ones out. For an example, locked glass doors of a mall would be enough to keep zombies out (curse automation and the day it was born). Let us look at several means of forming a barricade.

1) Nails and planks of wood.

Ah, the most common form of barricade. The big problem is that zombies tend to be able to break through these barricades most of the time. The power of muscle and sinew prevails, the age of steel and wood is long gone. Using massive amounts of manpower (or zombiepower), one can accomplish almost anything! (I refer you to China as a rising economic superpower)

Usefulness of this barricade: 2.32 / 10

2) Locked Glass Doors


The classic barricade when you are stuck in a mall. Most types of glass are strong enough to withstand the beating of fists. Typical compressed glass has an Ultimate Strength (U.S, maximum amount of stress a material can withstand) of 50 MPa, which, compared to Wood, which only has an U.S of 40 MPa, is much stronger. The big problem is that there are no means to deliver rest to the zombies laying siege to the location, because you cannot shoot or stab through glass doors without compromising its tensile strength.

Usefulness of this barricade: 6.13 / 10

3) Modded Truck, reinforced with steel and weaponry


Ah, the best defence is a good offence. Maybe I was wrong after all. This is not the typical static barricade, but it may prove itself more useful. Why? One, it allows you movement, and gives everyone a sense of direction (like, "Okay, im going to drive my friends and I to help"). As the days melt into weeks, and the weeks into months, the lack of direction could prove more dangerous than the zombies. Suddenly, wielding that fire-axe and rushing out into a mob of zombies in gung-ho fashion looks very inviting.... Two, steel is a strong material, and, in comparison to wood and glass, has an U.S of 400 - 1860 MPa. Three, the gaps in the reinforcements allow the occupants to unleash death in the form of chain saws, shot guns, grenades or even spears. The problem with this is that you can't store many supplies due to lack of space. So, the end-point of travelling in these trucks have to be clear.

Usefulness of this barricade: 7.96 / 10

This post will only cover these 3 barricades. There are many other forms of barricades, and I urge everyone to think of their own forms of barricades, but keep in mind the strength of the materials used, the ability to use weaponry through the barricade, as well as the feasibility of the barricade (e.g, if you are at home, don't even think of the truck, unless you happen to be a certain Yugoslavian I know, who keeps monster trucks around to play with).

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

LOL

LOL

Signed,
Zombloke III

^^^^ Deleting for stupidity. Zombloke III has not been the same since his return from the altar boy whorehouses of the Gobi Desert.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

On-topic Once Again. Household Weapons

Greetings from the zombloke team.


Apologies are sent out for the recent spate of random posts, including, exams, Zombloke II's passionate post on mugging, and Zombloke III's passionate post on purging.


We are now back on-topic with the idea of dealing with and preparing for zombie invasions.


This post covers the use of a household item as an extremely effective weapon against zombies, especially the ones that tend to sneak up on you and engage in close combat.


"The undead can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain."

-Newscaster from Shaun of the Dead



Yes, removing the head or destroying the brain. Common knowledge, and this has to be put to good use.



Thus, anything sufficiently heavy, or sharp enough, to create an indent on the human cranium, one of the toughest bones in the body, will be good enough. This post covers the use of the dumbbell.



This is a picture of an average dumbbell. In the right hands, it can turn into a flurry of destruction.

Firstly, the average dumbbell is heavy enough to put a strain on the person who regularly uses it, but not too heavy such that that it limits the movement of that person.

Secondly, the combination of two factors, namely, the weight of the dumbbell, and the useful dangerous-looking screws sticking out for the purpose of adding more weights, create an awesome weapon. An overhead swing, making use of the potential energy that is enhanced by its weight, could easily turn someone, or somezombie's head into mush.

At the Zombloke HQ, we carried out several tests of which I will display no pictures due to the nature of this destructive weapon. The force of the blow was calculated to be an average of 4,441 pounds.

Conclusively, the dumbbell is a useful converted weapon that should be salvaged during a zombie invasion.

Signed,

Zombloke

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Prevention is better than cure

Guten tag. This is Zombloke III, returned from my 16 month long undeclared hiatus. You may be wondering where I have been all this time, remaining in obscurity while my comrades slog away at preparations for the impending Zombie Invasion of Doom. I should have you worry not, for I have merely been under self-imposed exile in the Gobi Desert, in accordance with my policy of remaining uninvolved and reaping all the benefits brought about by the actions of my associates.

Life has been harsh these past months due to the hostile conditions I have to contend with daily. Food, water and shelter are hard to come by, and the inevitable scuffles with Bactrian camels that inhabit the area drain much of my needed energy. However, I feel that this is good preparation for when the Day finally comes, and I recommend such ventures to any who are not willing to have their brains consumed.

Much of my day (22.4 hours) is spent in meditation as I strive to attain higher levels of self-awareness. It helps to augment my mental tenacity, and as such I have managed to scrape out a reasonable living in the dunes. I would have remained in that cycle of life, had I not been struck with a notion during one of my meditation sessions. It is of paramount importance that you now perk up your ears and hear what I have to say.

I am sure that you have at one point in your life heard the idiom: "Prevention is better than cure". Well, I am happy to say that it has never been more relevant than at this crucial point in time. Allow me to explain myself; understand that a zombie is the body of a dead person given the semblance of life, but mute and will-less. Look at this more closely: the body of a dead person. What is the source of all our zombie troubles? People. As the world population grows, so do our chances of survival wane. As such, I propose that we take the initiative and cull the masses in order to destroy the possibility of being overrun by an endless horde of the undead.

While this may seem like an overtly harsh measure, I assure you that there are plenty of opportunities to do so without feeling any remorse whatsoever. It can be done in three easy steps:

1. Scour the dregs of society and gather as many misfits, scumbags, politicians or assholes in general who contribute nothing at all to the progress of humanity, and may even seek to reverse the process.
2. ???*
3. Profit! i.e. Not having your flesh feasted upon by shambling corpses.

* Though the methods you may choose to utilize remain fairly open to your imagination, it is important that you exercise caution and discretion in your endeavors. That is, before you rush out of your house brandishing a huge steak knife to plunge into the face of a random scumbag, remember that when the plague hits, he still has the capabilities to rip your head off. Of course, there would be no hard feelings as he is already dead, but it wouldn't stop him from stripping flesh from bone in order to sate his hunger. Your methods should thus focus on completely incapacitating the person so that even in undeath, he would be unable to rise. Beheading immediately comes to mind, but I encourage you to expand your thought horizons. A few suggestions:

- A gigantic vat of concentrated sulphuric acid
- An enormous industrial meat grinder
- An incinerator of mammoth proportions

Bear in mind that these solutions are not all-encompassing, and that you are always free to devise your own extermination methods. Therefore, just use your imagination, allow your creative juices to flow freely, and always remember the words of Josef Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili: "If there is a person, there is a problem; no person, no problem". Have fun!

Signed,
Zombloke the Third

Thursday, September 6, 2007

A slightly differing point of view

As the voice of interwebs in general I must disagree for the sake of disagreeing.

Mugging for the exams is a cleverly laid trap by those that would wish to see us mauled, slaughtered, eaten, shat on, pissed on, dissected, trisected, bisected, quintisected and generally fucked up by a murderous ravenous horde of zombies.

Why?

Think back with me everyone, think back to every single zombie movie you've ever watched. Chances are it had a kid or a teenager in there. Chances are, that kid or teenager was the first zombie seen. Remember Dawn of the Dead anyone?

Now try to keep up with me. What do kids and teens have in common that adults don't have? Well it's obvious ain't it, school. And with school comes the dreaded examinations or "BECOME A ZOMBIE 101" as it is aptly named in Herbert C. Meyer's book entitled "A World in Peril". Movie directors constantly emphasize this subtly in the hopes that we, the general public, will understand their message. And we here at MB-1 pride ourselves on picking up on the obvious, i mean subtle... yeah.

So anyway, how are exams correlated with the emergence of a zombie army? Well, one word, two syllables, mugging or with reference to the individual committing said unspeakable act, the mugger. The term Mugger carries with it a stigma, they're the people who robbed your Grandma last Tuesday for Pete's sake. But the problem lies not in the muggers engaging in some form of physical activity, the problem lies in those muggers sitting in their 4 by 4 rooms, busy pouring over volumes of textbooks with only a rotting cheese sandwich to survive on.

This starts the slow transformation from student to zombie. At first their muscles are kept strong by the constant page flipping but as time goes by that exercise is simply inefficient. The body wastes away from the inside out. Even now the mugger is already doomed but yet he does not realize it and persists.

The second stage comes with the slow retardation of the organs. As its flesh melts away into nothingness so does its internal organs. The kidneys, liver, heart,small intestine, islets of Langerhans and so on all melt into the soupy mass of guck sitting somewhere in their pelvises. Even then they are oblivious, so absorbed in their wanton studying that they do not realize that they are doomed for all eternity.

The last thing to go is the brain. As the heart shuts down, unable to keep up the constant systole and diastole that maintains blood circulation, the brain, in a desperate search for oxygen and nutrients, turns on itself. Using some bizzare force of nature unexplainable by Science at this time, the brain through secret deals with Satan creates several enzymes and minerals that can be used to aid its academic intent.

We've isolated these proteins from a mugger (ahem.) and by careful analysis and illegal animal testing have discerned that these proteins cause Zombiefication in the nth degree where n cannot equal 0 or anything ending with a st, nd, rd. But I digress. Zombiefication is caused by mugging and we would do well to bear that in mind. We simply must do so because to do otherwise could result in a scenario that could haunt us for the rest of our lives, all 5 or so seconds of it.

Imagine this:

10th September. Monday. You stroll into school for the first English Al paper of the prelims. Your mind focused solely on the task ahead you barely register being at morning assembly. All there is in your head is Auditorium 2 and Mr. Dumortier's voice in your head going "5 minutes reading time". Repeatedly.

So you hurry into the audi with all your friends. Well wishes are exchanged and you settle down in your seat. You glance around. Teachers and latecomers are busy shuffling around the hall, people exchanging not-so-hushed whispers along the aisles, people resting their heads on their desks.

Wait a minute you think to yourself. Resting? At this time? No. Perhaps they're saying a prayer or two. Oblivious you return to staring at your cover page. Maybe you'd make a doodle or two there when you get the chance. TOO BAD YOU WON'T.

For unbeknownst to you those students weren't saying their prayers! They were muggers undergoing the final and last transition into becoming a zombie. When the brain is no longer capable of sustaining any higher function and dies. But the proteins remain, activating the core human instinct. Food. Brainsssssssss.

The body is long dead, wasted away from hours spent locked up in a dark room with fireflies for light and a quill for a pen. It is far too late now.

As the deathly moans start echoing around you. You look around with a slight smirk on your face, trying to find out who that jackass was. That expression is frozen there as you watch, petrified, as students turn on each other, ripping flesh from bone and larynx from throat. You barely register the canines of your best mate snapping your spine.

The world goes black.


A cheerful broadcast,
Zombloke 2



Exams

What the hell is the point of exams when the world is about to get screwed over by a zombie invasion?

Will knowing the Human Development Index help?
No, everybody's probably going to be dead.
Dead Human Development Index - 0 across the board.

What about knowing calculus?
Calculate the number of zombies swarming around your secured area?

What about Chemistry?
Nitroglycerine (i think, gotta confirm with Zombloke II, HL chem freak on a leash) helps with making bombs...

What about the history of the Vietnam war?
the 4 quicks of guerilla warfare, probably could help...
and setting up booby traps..

Wait a minute... exams are pretty useful!

What the hell are YOU waiting for. Get working!

Study hard, if not for good grades and the chance to get into a good university, then for the incoming zombie invasion! Intellect is the best advantage we have over these zombies!

Signed,
Zombloke

Mugging for all humanity.

Monday, September 3, 2007

WMDS ALOL

This is Zombloke II here, still writing to you from behind 20 inches of solid stainless steel. Many of you might be wondering why Zombloke has not been posting for so long. Understand that no internal strife is taking place within MB-1 right now. That is just stupid and counter-productive to our efforts in tackling an impending zombie invasion.

Zombloke is merely on assignment in Transylvania. He will return sometime soon and hopefully with some cigars and booze. (we're kinda running short down here, donations are plzthx)

Anyway. The Red Moon has passed and no zombie invasions have occurred. See? Told you so. Yet, we must not let our guard down. We have received credible intelligence that the Red Moon was caused by an overzealous gremlin and an ungodly amount of red crepe paper. This could well have been a covert operation to trick us into inaction and sluggishness. This must not happen. We must remain eternally vigilant in our fight lest we find ourselves trapped in our own bathrooms with the only weapons to defend ourselves being a toothbrush and the sight of our naked bodies.

Coincidentally, that brings me to today's topic for discussion. Weapons. What to use in the event of a Zombie Invasion.

Well, weapons by definition are an extension of Man's fist, his primary killing tool. From acclaimed documentaries such as Fight Science, 10 Most Deadly Chinese Weapons and Enter the Ninja, we here at MB-1 have shortlisted criteria that a good weapon MUST have.

1) Range. Yes. It's obvious. We want to kill zombies but stay as far away from them as possible so as to avoid those nasty cuts and bites. Of course some weapons do this better than others like a M16 versus a pen knife for instance.

2) Synergy with User + User's teammates. Well, Zombie Survival is no laughing matter. (You certainly won't be laughing once you've had your jaw RIPPED RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE BITCH.) Weapons that you employ must allow you to work effectively with your teammates to increase your rate of survival. For instance, you probably won't want to stand behind all your friends and fire a flamethrower over their heads at a mass of zombies now would you? Of course, various tactics can be employed to enhance teamwork but that will be covered in later updates.

3) Oomph! Factor. Killing large amounts of zombies with no end in sight is going to get horribly demoralizing. Furthermore, as you (unfortunately) lose more and more comrades, your morale is gonna really take a huge hit. Therefore, it is advised to stock up on weapons with an Oomph! Factor. This means carrying a weapon around that can seriously tear shit up. Blowing up a zombie into a million nasty rotting fragments or throwing a molotov into a sea of the undead can be strangely liberating. Do this to keep morale up. Of course bear in mind that you shou;dn't kill off half your team with that grenade.

4) Ammunition. Ah the bane of the real world. Unlike in computer games you aren't going to get a nifty ammo cheat. So conserve your ammunition and make every shot count or you're going to find yourself dead, and fast, with no bullet to commit suicide with. Alternatively, you could get your hands on a weapon that doesn't need ammunition. These weapons are largely melee-style and will often require you to get a bit too close for comfort with the zombie masses. In this case, grab some arm guards and some armour as a precautionary measure. Nevertheless, these weapons still have a lot of Oomph! in them (imagine a katana fucking slicing a zombie in fucking halve).

5) Practicality. Ideally your weapon should have more than one usage. In times of a zombie invasion you won't exactly have the time to lug around different tools for different situations. Hence, it's best to get a weapon that can serve multiple purposes. For example, a crowbar can be used not only as a weapon, but as a tool for opening shit up, ranging from locked doors to cans of beef stew. However, if you're toting a kick ass firearm (and maybe a swiss army knife) then you can ignore this bit.


This is all I have for you right now. But I'll be back later with some classic weapon schematics and run-downs on what you should choose in the event of a zombie invasion!

Signed,
Zombloke 2
Ph.D House of the Dead 1,2,3
Purveyor of assorted weaponry
Bought a tonne of baked beans