Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The Point of Salvation

Some here at MB-1 feel that my post today is quite out of place for several reasons. One, it is an uncharacteristically happy post, which I don't find odd at all. Two, such news should only be revealed if and when a zombie invasion occurs as a form of moral booster. Bollocks, I say, it's best to educate the masses about potential 'free zones' before the zombies arrive so we can at least attempt a getaway!

This theory stems from several zombie flicks, most notable of which would be either Land of the Dead by Herr Romero or the Milla Jovovich show, a.k.a. Resident Evil. In both movies, several characters attempt to travel to Alaska upon hearing rumours that the Zombie Invasion has yet to spread to said location. The point here I guess is that due to the fact that Alaska is a freezing hellhole, something about it impairs or prevents the zombies or the zombie spreading virus from encroaching on their lands.

Let's first examine some possible factors and determine which one is the most plausible.

1) The treacherous terrain of Alaska impedes the progress of Zombies. The terrain of Alaska is largely permafrost. Usually it provides a solid enough surface to traverse across but due to global warming much of that once passable terrain is now a boggy mush pretty much all year round.

Hence, thanks to the blessing that is the greenhouse effect, Alaska is well fortified by the wetlands that surround it which could impede wandering zombies.

However, this physical barrier is hardly enough to hold back a zombie spreading virus, a la 28 days later, or zombie vermin/carrion/animals that could possibly circumnavigate the treacherous swamps. Furthermore, there is still plenty of good solid ground where zombies could cross thereby unleashing their reign of terror on the populace.

Probability Meter: 15%


2) Alaska boasts 34000 miles of tidal shoreline due to it having many islands. Islands are relatively safe havens in a zombie invasion. If spruced up and made self-sustaining, it's basically your paradise where you can hide away while the world collapses upon itself.

With some basic necessities such as fuel, food, agricultural implements and so on, one could conceivably create an island fort. Of course, do thoroughly scour the island for zombies and do make sure you have enough space to sustain yourself and the other people you've managed to liberate from the perils of the mainland.

The chances of zombies actually getting to your island is pretty low once you've established yourself. Unless they're the type straight out of Land of the Dead, then I figure they're probably not intelligent enough to realize they don't need to breathe and thus decide to take a stroll down to your little island fort. Lucky for you, they may or may not get pulverized by the pressure of the deep sea but if they don't, well, many sleepless nights abound then.

Probability Meter: 45%


3) The Natives. It is unknown to many, myself included, but it has been said that the Inuits were once great warriors who battled fiercely against the undead legions of long ago. Whilst there is no historical data supporting such a cataclysmic event occurring in the past, legend has it that the Inuits waged a bloody and terrible war across the raging waters of the Arctic Seas, fighting tooth and nail to save humanity from the zombie menace.

Following the defeat of the zombie hordes, the Inuits retreated to a safe haven near the roof of the world, swearing to preserve their warrior spirit and to once again rise up and defend the world should such a disaster present itself. They might not have 52 words for 'Snow' but they have definitely have 52 words for balls in my book.

If this is true, then perhaps it is wise to seek refuge in the frigid lands of the Inuit. However, it's most like bull.

Probability Meter: 0.0001% (Although it would be shit awesome if it did happen.)


4) The Cold. Ah, the mighty powers wielded by Old Man Winter are a force to be reckoned with indeed. The sub-zero temperatures of Alaska are more than capable of stopping both men and machine alike in their tracks. But how will it fare against the legions of Undeath? Let's find out!

Zombies are basically reanimated corpses and are therefore physically human. Hence, it can be inferred that their bodies suffer the same punishment from the elements that we do. The weather of the Alaskan Tundra is extremely harsh even during the best of times. Frostbite and other frost related ailments are often suffered by the uninitiated members of the populace. Although zombies do not suffer from hypothermia, they might lose an arm or a leg attempting the treacherous hike North.

Hence it is possible for the chill of winter to literally freeze a horde of zombies in their tracks. Most zombies are usually clad in little more than the clothes their former selves died in, attire that is utterly unfit for arctic travels. So, yes, the chill of winter is a plausible method of deterring a zombie invasion into Alaska.

What about viruses or other forms of airborne pathogens? Well, it is likely that the cold could inhibit the propagation of the virus and may even kill it outright. It certainly is a heartening thought.

Probability Factor: 82% (Coincidentally, it achieves a Grade 7.)

Since the climate ultimately affects the sustainability of Alaska in a zombie invasion, one can draw several links to other states much closer to home. Siberia for instance, or perhaps the Northernmost fjords of Norway, or Greenland. As long as its freezing all year round, it should be safe from the zombie menace. However, establishing a compound that can sustain you for quite some time is going to be difficult and it is currently being researched by our MB-1 team during their free time. (Hah.)

Of course, people might also say that the whole allusion to Alaska was Hollywood's attempt at acknowledging the adopted kid in the family, but hey, they probably voted that they would commit suicide in the face of a zombie invasion so who needs them eh?

That's all for now.
Coming to you live from MB-1, this is Derrick Wolfgang Peterson II saying bah-bye.


Zombloke II
2nd
15th
Party Hard

Other sources of interest

http://www.cracked.com/article_15643_5-scientific-reasons-zombie-apocalypse-could-actually-happen.html
(Linked by Kentay. Zomg Biblio guys!)
Interesting article.


End.

Monday, October 29, 2007

A Reluctant Change Of Perspective

Hello again. Yes it's still Zombloke II bringing you another wholesome update in preparing for the imminent zombie invasion.

Today I'll be revising my previous stance on mugging. No, I still refuse to believe that it does not cause zombification but then again, 500 tests on starving children have yet to prove me right. Fret not, my zeal is not quenched and if I have to process all of Singapore's youth than by the gods I shall.

Anyway, in accordance with MB-1 policy regarding 'a lack of things to write about', I shall now attempt to draft a new set of tips to help you would-be-zombi--, I mean students wholly devoted to the excellence of your end-year results.

Ok, as mentioned before the most likely place you could be studying in would be a room. A nice quant four-walled enclave in which you can mercilessly pour over pages and pages of text. If you're studying in the open, well, a whole different set of rules apply.

First off! Tips and tricks on how to stay alive in a zombie invasion while studying in an enclosed area.

#1) Always study facing the door. Most needless zombie deaths could usually be avoided as long as the character takes some simple precautions. Some examples would be turning on the lights, not walking backwards down a hall and not blindly hiding in a space without checking whether said location was safe.

In this case, to avoid a needless death to the maws of a zombie, one should probably face the door. It's a simple concept. By facing the door you have at least a slight visual awareness of the singular point of entry into the room. By identifying the trespasser early, such as a parent, friend or mindless flesh-eating freak, you can adjust your reaction between annoyance, terror and frenzied aggression.

If for some reason or another you are partially blind and unable to see a door open, I recommend a simple alarm mechanism. These could range from chains dangling on the handle to a baby alarm monitor to a 220lb Rottweiler. It's really up to you.

#2) Have a plan of escape. Chances are, despite how many zombies you kill, more will come. They might not come one after another but don't fret they'll turn up either today or tomorrow or the day after that or the next year, you get my drift. Hence, you most likely want to get to somewhere safe. The safe haven of your choice is up to you but here are some of my personal favourites:

-The armory of your nearest army camp

-Turf City (That place is a fortress I tell you.)

-Somewhere underground, like MB-1

-Hell (Which is Tiong Bahru, a nice place filled with potential meat shields and tall buildings which can serve as temporary shelters.)

But before that, one should probably focus on getting out of the room first. In this scenario, one has three possible options. This is commonly known as the Fight Flight or Fright response.

First, Fight. In this case, one may or may not casually toss one's life aside in an attempt to break free of the entrapment. This is effective if you are properly armed and the opposition is not too numerous.

Second, Flight. Basically, it means you panzy out. Finding an escape route can be easy if you pick the proper place to study. Since most of us will not be studying in a room with nothing but 4 white walls and a door, we can leave out the certain death scenario. Instead, one should try to utilize various furnishings in the room such as windows, side doors, ventilation shafts and what not in order to escape effectively.

Third, Fright. This basically means good game for you. Being petrified and torn to shreds is rather painful, especially if you have to watch a zombie eat your colon right in front of you. While some might find this experience surreal and strangely fascinating, most normal individuals would rather not die. Hence, the Fright syndrome is not recommended. For tips on removing fear from the system, take 5 minutes to travel down the Internet's Pantheon of Badass Heroes.

#3) Have something on hand to defend yourself with. Hypothetically speaking, there may be an incident where you are locked in an epic life or death struggle with one of the undead. Whilst that should not happen as long as you maintain constant vigilance, shit happens and therefore one must also familiarize oneself with potential weapons in such cases. (Get cracking on that spear.)

- Highlighters. Disregard these, they're useless.
- Pens. Slightly more useful for jabbing through the eye socket and into the cranium.
- Weird mathematical equipment. I'm sure they hurt in the worst ways.
- The Chair you're sitting on. Good for flattening zombies with, use it liberally if there's enough space to wield one.
- Textbooks. If they're big and heavy chances are they pack a punch, utilize these freely.
- GDC. It might cost 75 bucks but that's 75 dollars worth of hard plastic and metal that can be used to cave in a zombie's brain.
- Subject notes. See Highlighters.

Of course there might be a myriad of other items available to you depending on the environment one is studying in. In my case, I would carry a paraffin lamp into my room. Firstly, it provides light to study with and secondly, in the event of a zombie attack, ill shatter the lamp and incinerate my humble abode. The fire-hazard I call a room will more than likely kill if not hold back many foes while I scramble off the roof-tops to sweet freedom.

#4) Communication. Never ever study in a room with poor reception. You want to be able to at least receive messages via the telephone-communication network or over the radio. This will give you the heads-up and the opportunity to avoid meeting a grizzly end. Keep in mind the entertainment value the radio provides also helps keep one sane in the wee hours of the morning trying to decipher what one wrote on that tiny scrap of A4 paper a year ago.

#5) Keep people nearby. Note that I specifically did not use the word friend since most would find it unethical for one to toss a friend into the blood embrace of a horde of zombies.

Having people around helps boost one's morale knowing that one is not suffering alone. Unless said company is busy enjoying a movie or reading a nice happy storybook, then one should not feel remorse about using said company as a meat shield.

Having knowledgeable company is also useful for studying. Like, duh.


This is all I have to update you guys on for now.
Till next time!


Zombloke II
Options G and H suckers
Stalwart Defender of the Golden Way
Mohican

Diary of a PARANOID MAN V

Greetings.

This second successive post will be about more light-hearted matters.

Sometimes, communication over the internet makes it difficult to believe that some people aren't really actually zombies, or so my experiences recently have shown me.

Example 1

10:05:21 PM M : hat do we hacve rto study for organicv cherm
10:05:42 PM Y: WTF DID YOU JUST SAY

Example 2

9:48:44 PM MEELSA : hahahahahaha
9:49:01 PM MEELSA : oh mannn
9:49:10 PM MEELSA : we should like
9:49:15 PM MEELSA : get him to press his hands into a block of wet cemen
9:49:17 PM MEELSA : cement*
9:49:21 PM MEELSA : dear god. what an awful typo.

Example 3
(So far, i have felt a certain need to censor the names of people involved, but not for this one.)

Clorets Junkie says:
sweety
Clorets Junkie says:
sweet*
Clorets Junkie says:
wtf

Yes. Bloke called me 'sweety'. Sometimes i wonder if the knowledge of the inevitability of zombie invasions weigh down upon his mind too heavily.

End.

Diary of a PARANOID MAN IV

Greetings.

Intermittent electricity in our underground base has resulted in inconsistent posting.

Recently, our A.I, zombie sense (A.K.A sixth sense for detecting zombies or Zomsense) has been tingling.

Unfortunately, Zomsense isn't always very accurate, and warning signals are sent when there is a multitude of people whose minds are focused on just one thing. (For zombies, that would be human flesh)

I recieved such a huge input today that it reached "Critical Zombie Invasion" Level.

Something this massive should have turned up on the news...

Suspecting a government conspiracy, i did some investigative work.

"Exam schedules
External examinations for candidates for the IB diploma are given twice a year, in May and in November."


Ah. right.

Hordes of IB students around the world have only one things on their mind: IBDP Exams.

Good luck.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Monster Truck Rallies and the like

It is assumed that most of the devoted readers of this instructional manual have/will at some point in their lives master the arts of operating an automobile. Which is good.

Being able to drive is a valuable skill in a zombie invasion for numerous reasons.

1) The most obvious: TO TEAR LIKE HECK DOWN THE EXPRESSWAY. Whether it's for the purposes of escaping or enjoying a phenomenal rush of speed not often experienced on the roads of our lovely island, being able to shuttle to and fro at great speeds helps you get out of sticky zombie situations.

For instance, in Dawn of the Dead, that cute white chick speeds away from her recently zombified husband in a white car thing. If a jalopy could outrun even the physically enhanced zombies of Dawn of the Dead, any automobile would make for a good escape mechanism.


2) Transport. Driving around beats walking any day. Especially so on rainy days and even more so when blood-thirsty undead prowl the streets. An automobile will provide swift and efficient transport to your desired location with minimal hassle. However, be warned! That V-8 of yours might just attract more than the envious stares of your neighbours!

Another thing to note is that the movement bonus that your automobile affords you will most likely dwindle over time. As our population density increases, so does the amount of traffic along our roads. This basically becomes a hazard if you're trying to escape down, say, Orchard Road at 7pm on a Friday Night. In this case, your best bet is to probably leg it and fast. Remember, since these fools deigned to obstruct your escape route, you should have no qualms about using them as meat shields. Or an elevated walkway of sorts.

Improvise! (This however, does not apply if you happen to be driving either a monster truck or a tank or the Dooms Day Machine driven by the patriarch of a certain Yugoslavian Royal Line.)


3) Storage. Remember those huge vans from Wagensfraut Stuttgart back in the 1950s? Of course you don't. I made it up. Anyway, the third bonus of having an automobile is the ability to keep stuff inside, be it food, soap, magazines, a short-wave radio, a pair of katanas or whatever. The standard run-o-the-mill 4 seater should be able to keep enough canned supplies for about a week and enough gas to run for a few days before you need to resupply.

An alternative would be purchasing an RV. The benefits would be the additional company, support and of course a decent shower and a toilet. However, the upkeep one of these babies would need is rather steep considering you're about to enter a post-apocalyptic world of zombies.


4) Offense! Okay, this is more or less what I really wanted to talk about. So you've watched a few medieval war movies, or read a few books or wikis about medieval combat. Now remember those wicked chariots running down men, slicing their legs off at the knees, peppering with them with arrows from the archers riding said chariot. Yea, me neither. They were given way too little screen time. (Please watch Gladiator to get what I mean. Of course, stop the DVD/VCD/VCR before Russell Crowe lays down the law, cause that defeats the purpose.)

So yeah, cars pretty much function the same way. Install some wicked spikes on your hubcaps, or perhaps a large blunt object and rampage through those zombie hordes! The bonus here is that by crippling them, the less likely they are to catch up with you. Which is a good thing.

Also, you can possibly blare really really really loud death metal or any other variant of metal, or even bubble-gum pop, which really takes the edge of the fact that life as you knew it has just ended. For mood music, see Rob Zombie.

In addition, monster trucks + tanks = pew pew.

In conclusion, driving is useful, cars are useful and monster trucks are useful-er. So if you happen to be driving a monster truck during a zombie invasion, do swing by my place to pick me up.

K?



Zombloke II

Still Derrick Wolfgang Peterson II
Currently studying something regarding Jews
Autistic

Monday, October 15, 2007

Diary of a PARANOID MAN III

Greetings.

In every zombie invasion there comes the need for heroes. These heroes can easily be any common person, as my experience last week proved. Tim Seow the chairman, common high school student, is to be exalted as a hero, and I now here have an epic poem composed for him.

Chairman Seow (Written in blank verse)
In the distant lands of ACS (I)
There exists a cruel, bestial being
Rend! Murder! His reign of blood and terror
For four years the tyrant ruled and slaughtered
The peoples cried for a hero to save
Them from the Man Bist Darren Chew Wei Sheng
But none dared to free the land from this scourge
One day the prayers were answered and he came
Clad in shining breastplate, greaves, sword and shield
O! What a wonderful sight to behold
He took the stand, steely gaze upon them
Proclaiming, with a flourish of trumpets,
"My name", he said, with a booming baritone
"Is Timothy Seow, your chairman-leader,
I will lead you to slay the bist, have faith!"
With that the .16 army gathered
With Tim Seow at the helm of the peoples
To face the man bist Darren in his lair.
As the army approached the den of evil
The unwitting Bist, feasting upon flesh
At ease in his undisputed kingdom
Was soon to be displaced, by the Chairman
The army fell upon the Bist, hacking
Encouraged by their superior numbers
But the Bist was not to be undone now
Summoning ungodly strength, the Bist fought
Men were killed by the score, I saw Ethan
Dragged down from his saddle, torn into shreds
The movement faltered, Alas! all was lost!
But Chairman Tim Seow came into the fray
Moving, sword swinging, voice booming, GLORIOUS!
But the magnitude of the Man Bist's strength
Gargantuan, not to be comprehended
He swung his claw, and Chairman Seow was slain
WOE! WOE TO THE DEATH OF CHAIRMAN TIM SEOW
Beloved leader struck down where he stood
From his sacrifice rose anger and thirst
For revenge, blood-debt paid by Bistblood
A resounding cry rose and the spirit
To fight was stirred up in the men, "FOR SEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
As one we stood and took the ManBist down
Screaming its hatred it could do nothing
Against the Spirit of the Chairman Seow
And so it was that the ManBist was slain
Not by the strength of the ACSian knighthood
But by the valiant sacrifice of Seow
Nothing on Earth lasts forever and ever
But the name of Seow will live on evermore
Our magnificent chairman Tim Seow

Zombloke I

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Still In Disbelief That This Has Never Been Brought Up

In a special edition update to a previous post on people-you'd-most-likely-want-by-your-side-in-a-Zombie-Invasion, I, Derrick Wolfgang Peterson II, present the ultimate fighting buddy in a Zombie Invasion.

Her name? Alice.

Yes, the psychic, knife wielding, Ukrainian super model is without a doubt the one person you'd want on your side and watching your back in a zombie invasion. Packing five hydrogen bombs worth of explosive force in her icy-cold stare alone, Milla Jovovich is no stranger to the art of zombie slaughter.

With new-found zombie killing Tassadar-esque psionic abilities, the power in her lithe frame is without a doubt the most valuable asset ever!

Just try to stay on her good side. Her opponents often find themselves addled with horrible mutations and cheesier wits.

Enjoy!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Monday, October 1, 2007

Homemade Anti-Zombie Weapons

It goes without saying that many many ordinary household things can cause you bodily harm. Penknives, bookends, scissors, cleavers and the like can all be transformed from ordinary tools into moderately effective weapons. And trust me, you definitely do not need McGuyver-ish techniques in order to convert your dull transparent pencil case into a weapon of mass (relative molecular) destruction.

There are many guides to such devices found on the glorious network of deep sea fibre optics that we call the internet thus it behooves me to post links to some of them.

First off, from AskMen.com,
http://www.askmen.com/fashion/how_to_300/346_how_to.html

*Some useful tips here but alas it is too general and most of which will not work on zombies at all since the main goal of the guide is to stun and incapacitate enemies that feel pain and therefore react to said pain. Zombies do not. They're dead. Ipso Facto.

Another one is Ask Dr. Pecos (google this, the amount of information is staggering), one of our primary sources of information asides from the wealth of experience and resources the zombloke team possesses in their individual craniums.

*I personally share the notion with Dr. Pecos that flamethrowers are pretty much an awesome weapon. Any simple chemical aerosol can be converted into a nasty flamethrower.

**This weapon is even effective against other living enemies, see Snakes On A Plane where Sam L. J. incinerates several venomous snakes. Noting the effectiveness of the weapon on snakes and considering the similarities between snakes and zombies, the power of this weapon can not and must not be underestimated.

Still many of the more popular weapons are sadly unavailable on our sunny zombie-infested island. What do we do then? Well, by Jove, we improvise! One of the most famed Chinese military weapons was the Jin, something similar to the Western Halberd. It had a slicing edge and a stabbing point. Whilst it is impossible to replicate this to a large extent, it can be mimicked and such a powerful weapon can come in handy.

First, grab a bamboo pole. You know the ones you hang your laundry with? Make sure its nice and solid, not those cheap ones you get from the shady corner store down the road. Also, ensure its not too long. Remember, you aren't going to be getting top notch oak or mahogany here. Hence, to minimize the chance of your weapon shattering, opt for a pole thats approximately two metres long or so. The best would of course be you finding a bo staff or quarterstaff. Any shaft thats hard and not phallic would be awesome.

Secondly, you need some blades. The type of which is up to you. Cleavers, hunting knifes, etc are a good start. Using raffia string you can attach these blades to your pole. Remember to fasten them tightly and if you better means of attaching these blades then use them. The more secure your blades, the more effective the weapon becomes. I primarily recommend using your weapon as a stabbing weapon instead of a slashing weapon as slashing may cause structural damage to the weapons wooden support.

*note: Try not to use metal since metal poles are usually hollow and made of Aluminum which is easily bent out of shape.

Once you've completed your spear/halberd/jin/guandao, feel free to decimate several zombies to test it out. Note that many, if not all of the components can be obtained from your local D.I.Y. stores. Ergo, it would be a good idea to invest in creating these weapons now! They might not be used against zombies but they'd make a crazy cool weapon against potential threats.

There are many more household weapons waiting to be created and it only takes but a spark of creativity to conceptualize and realize your household weapon. So what are you waiting for? Get cracking. We don't have the luxury of time.

Signed,
Zombloke Two

Grand Inquisitor
Spanish Conquistador
Witch Hunter