Friday, November 9, 2007

The Annals of Wu Zun #1

Weather: Warm, high of Hot and overnight low of Not-So-Hot

I have started this diary in the hopes of courting that awesomely cute waitress down at the Green Pagoda, where I carry out my weekend job as a bouncer. Chicks dig guys who can write as I am told, something about poetry and what not.

My name is Zhun of the noble House of Wu. I am the 5th eldest son and heir to my father's salt mines down in the province of Shan Dong. A bright future lies before me but I dare not embrace it, for a life as a simple foreman does not appeal to me. You see, I believe I have been called to do greater things, to travel down the Martial River, forever seeking greater knowledge and understanding of the Martial Arts.

My father does not approve. He insists that I should learn Mathematics, how to use an Abacus, how to shift numbers around so the books look balanced and what not. But I do not want to. Addition hurts my mind, my fingers not adept at manipulating little beads on a stick and numbers... also hurt my brain.

I am a warrior, like my great great grandfather. I have spent countless years within the terracotta confines of the great Mo Dai To Academy, honing my skills with the Jin, the Dao, the Gu, the Composite Bow and the Cho Ku No. Like I said, I am a warrior.

I must go now, a bunch of Mongol barbarians are kicking up a fuss over the quality of our rice wine. Fools, they wouldn't know good alcohol if it were shoved up their pee holes. Ah one is walking over towards me now. God, his breath reeks. Ok, he's got out a dagger, why did I not search these guys before letting them in? Oh yea, I was writing this. Ok, gotta run. Later.

Wu Zhun
14th Sun Cycle of the 11th Lunar Month of the Year of the Ox

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*Translator Notes: Did not make anything up. Nothing whatsoever.

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Zombloke 2
Regrets burning Chinese dictionaries
Is not a member of the Red Guard
Not a Commie

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Zombie MMORPG

)http://www.exanimusthegame.com/

Seems like obsession about zombies and how they are probably going to take over the world has hit commercial status.

I'd probably kick ass at this game, but then I'd probably be busy killing demons or something.

If you haven't noticed yet, I am using probably freely and indiscriminately.

Cos, I don't need to calculate the probability of anything anymore!! WOOPEE!!


Zombloke I

Monday, November 5, 2007

Wu Zhun probably looked like this









actually, nah. he probably looked like this:


Sunday, November 4, 2007

The Annals of the Great Warrior Wu Zhun

Amongst the assorted DVDs, old toothbrushes, used bongs, powerful ancient relics and newspapers strewn across the MB-1 storage room floor lies an ancient compendium of knowledge. A powerful tome once thought lost to civilization, only to be ingeniously recovered by the imagination of a single being. It is an ancient log of the world's first Zombie Invasion, a journal filled with trials and tribulations, hopes and fears, women and wine, song and dance, swords and spears, owls and donkeys and yeah, zombies too.

We have worked very hard to repair the age-worn parchment, utilizing the tried and true combination of word processors and boredom, in order to present to our readers the story of one man.

And now, for the first time ever, his life will finally be brought to light after 4 millennia of darkness and desolation.

50% Man, 30% Warrior, 15% Chinese Guy, 4% Anarchist, 1% Bald and 152.67% Muscle.

He is.

Wu Zhun.

This is his story.


First entry will be uploaded after I remember that Retinol is used in the synthesis of Rhodopsin which is the pigment in the rod-cells of the eye which are responsible for black and white vision in dim light.



Zombloke Two
Option A
Option G
11 Days

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Diary of a PARANOID MAN VI: *IMPORTANT* I Saw A Zombie Yesterday

T'was around the twenty-first hour when I first saw the foul spawn of hell.

However, where a normal man might quail in fear and die or react with stupid disbelief and die, I did not do either. Instead, instinct and training kicked in. Executing a zero-point turn, I wheeled about and split, making a beeline for the trusty metal pole I always leave lying in an obscure corner.

Grabbing it and feeling the supreme power that only a five-foot metal pole can give, I performed several dexterous twirls with my weapon before sending a crushing overhead strike onto the skull of my zombie foe.

It collapsed and I scrambled forth to investigate. Had the zombie invasion truly begun? Was there still time to save civilization before all was lost? Should I take a ride down to Burger King to eat my last Double Whopper with Cheese before life as I know it ends?

Upon closer inspection, I figured the zombie was about 4 feet, roughly 120 cm. I felt it quite odd and was about to investigate further when I detected sudden movement through my peripheral vision. Jerking my head up, I was astonished to see several more of those evil four foot zombies with pale-looking adults.

OH SNAP! I'M SURROUNDED! Watching as my foes closed in around me, I noted the shocked looks on the 'adult' zombies, they obviously were the first victims of those evil short-statured bastards. Their deaths had to be avenged.

Letting my honed combat skills settle in, I leapt into the fray, crying bloody murder as I smashed downwards, taking one of the small zombies down in an instant, splattering brains all over the sidewalk. Using the back end of my staff, I jabbed backwards, impaling one of the adults through his gut and into his spine. The jarring grind of bone on metal almost caused me to drop my pole but I held fast, determined to make it out of this disaster, or die trying.

At this point the zombies suddenly began to turn and flee. Judging by the speed at which they moved, I quickly concluded that these were physically-enhanced zombies similar to those in Dawn of the Dead. It also appeared to me that they must have detected the scent of weak flesh in the distance and were obviously moving to devour it. This would not do!

Shouting Honour and Glory to the great AAS, I surged after them, lashing out with my staff and knocking two more zombies to the ground. A quick stab through the skull finished them off as I continued my chase.

In a matter of five minutes it was over. The zombies were defeated, lying dead and broken all over the blood-stained street. I walked over to one of the four-foot zombies lying on the ground, his neck dangling at an awkward angle. Bending down, I stared into the cold dead eyes of my enemy. Noting some discolouration with his skin, I rubbed at the blemish, only to pull away tacky face-paint...

Oops.



Zombloke II
Lying low for the next few days
Has plans to skip town
Happy Halloween!!